Sometimes you just need a (handy)man.
On Thanksgiving Eve, around 9:45pm, I walked into my kitchen to wash the pan I'd been soaking and...wait for it...right smack into a lake. Apparently, and some point after the first round of dishes had been washed and the pan (which by the way had the remnants of bacon grease in it) was snug in the hot water and in the process of a good soak, something decided to crap out on me.
I did a little search and found that the water (correction, greasy water) was coming from underneath the sink. I started laying down towels and doing my best to pull things out from under the sink. That's when I noticed it - my garbage disposal was peeing. No joke, there was a steady stream of greasy bacon water coming directly out of the red button thingy on the bottom of the garbage disposal. Finally it stopped.
I climbed under the sink to get a better idea of what was going on and to see if I could take the thing apart myself (yes I remembered to unplug it first). But alas - no such luck. That sucker looked like it had been welded together. I lied under that sink, pondering my options. It was the night before a holiday and I knew the complex office was closed. Uh oh...
Suddenly I found myself pacing around my apartment trying to desperately search my brain for a man who could fix my problem. I called the office and debated (for 3 different phone calls) if I warranted an "emergency after hours maintenance call." I even posted a picture to Facebook asking for help. If there was ever a time I wished I had a man around, this was it.
But then - POOF - I had an epiphany. I had something better than a man. I had the young, flirty girl charm and one hell of a smile. So, on call #4 I pushed the button for emergency. And, in my best damsel-in-distress voice I begged for help at 10:30pm.
And guess what? My garbage disposal was replaced by 11pm.
Turns out I don't need a man after all...just a whole lot of shameless flirting.
May you all enjoy your assets!!
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Sometimes You Just Have to Walk Away
So we've established that I'm single again - I think I may have actually been single-ISH before being single. Confusing, I know, but what else would you expect from me?
I've come to the conclusion that I'm slightly too easy-going in my relationships. I put up with a lot. A lot more than most of my friends think I should (just ask them). And I'm WAY too forgiving and understanding. This past weekend I realized, through a series of events (that we won't talk about in this particular blog session - none of you has that much available time for reading), that sometimes you just have to walk away. (Read: really single this time)
I've put myself out there a number of times in my life, opened my heart and let people in. Sometimes these people hold it gently and treasure it, sometimes they trample on it, and sometimes they really don't care whether or not they have access to it. It seems, however, that I have a knack for finding that third type - those who are apparently oblivious and couldn't give a rat's behind that I've taken down that wall - or the amount of strength and courage it took to do it.
The problem is, because I've opened my heart, I spend my time and energy trying to get these people to see that, to acknowledge it, to respond somehow. And, inevitably, I always end up hurt. I hang on for just a little too long instead of paying attention to the flashing neon signs and usually end up thinking, "what the bleep is wrong with me?? I'm so needy". Sigh.
Anywho, I finally paid attention to a couple of those signs. (Yay me) And realized in the process that sometimes these people will remain oblivious to what they have and, despite whatever positives there may be, you just have to skedaddle. This is me skedaddling.
I'm not saying that they weren't worth every second - I wouldn't change a single thing about any of the experiences or relationships that I've had. Each one has changed my world. So, to paraphrase one of my all-time favorite songs -
He was my best friend
And it broke my heart
But I don't regret the day that he became
One of those I've loved along the way
I wouldn't be the (wo)man I am today
If not for those I've loved along the way
May today you all find those who treasure your love...
I've come to the conclusion that I'm slightly too easy-going in my relationships. I put up with a lot. A lot more than most of my friends think I should (just ask them). And I'm WAY too forgiving and understanding. This past weekend I realized, through a series of events (that we won't talk about in this particular blog session - none of you has that much available time for reading), that sometimes you just have to walk away. (Read: really single this time)
I've put myself out there a number of times in my life, opened my heart and let people in. Sometimes these people hold it gently and treasure it, sometimes they trample on it, and sometimes they really don't care whether or not they have access to it. It seems, however, that I have a knack for finding that third type - those who are apparently oblivious and couldn't give a rat's behind that I've taken down that wall - or the amount of strength and courage it took to do it.
The problem is, because I've opened my heart, I spend my time and energy trying to get these people to see that, to acknowledge it, to respond somehow. And, inevitably, I always end up hurt. I hang on for just a little too long instead of paying attention to the flashing neon signs and usually end up thinking, "what the bleep is wrong with me?? I'm so needy". Sigh.
Anywho, I finally paid attention to a couple of those signs. (Yay me) And realized in the process that sometimes these people will remain oblivious to what they have and, despite whatever positives there may be, you just have to skedaddle. This is me skedaddling.
I'm not saying that they weren't worth every second - I wouldn't change a single thing about any of the experiences or relationships that I've had. Each one has changed my world. So, to paraphrase one of my all-time favorite songs -
He was my best friend
And it broke my heart
But I don't regret the day that he became
One of those I've loved along the way
I wouldn't be the (wo)man I am today
If not for those I've loved along the way
May today you all find those who treasure your love...
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
And Just Like That...
Single Jen is back.
To be honest, single Jen has been around for a few weeks or so but I honestly dreaded having to change my "official" Facebook status and tell the world that my relationship had gone clockwise down the toilet. Why, you ask? Well, if you have to ask, then you've never been 33 and single. Well-intentioned folks start with the "I'm so sorry" and then the jolly "next time!" or the "more fish" thingy and then slowly progress to the "you should meet..." sentiments.
Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the love and support people show when something no-so-fantastic happens (like when you go all in on a losing bet) but I can't help feeling like I'm supposed to somehow be trying harder when people ask about my dating life.
The good news is that I learned a few things this time around - and since I know you're all dying to hear those, I'll share. 1. Apparently I actually CAN be in a relationship. Feel free to snicker, but I'm pretty sure there were bets going around on whether or not I could handle relationship-ness. I can. So there. 2. I know who I am. It took awhile, but I can without a doubt tell you that I know me - want I want, what I expect, who I want standing next to me, and what I'll compromise on. That's a large accomplishment in life, if I do say so myself. And finally, 3. Sometimes, they're just not that into you.
The other good news is that I now will have plenty to blog about as I delve back into the world of singlehood. Now, please excuse me while I go order my crazy-cat-lady starter kit.
May your days be filled with those who love you as you deserve...
To be honest, single Jen has been around for a few weeks or so but I honestly dreaded having to change my "official" Facebook status and tell the world that my relationship had gone clockwise down the toilet. Why, you ask? Well, if you have to ask, then you've never been 33 and single. Well-intentioned folks start with the "I'm so sorry" and then the jolly "next time!" or the "more fish" thingy and then slowly progress to the "you should meet..." sentiments.
Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the love and support people show when something no-so-fantastic happens (like when you go all in on a losing bet) but I can't help feeling like I'm supposed to somehow be trying harder when people ask about my dating life.
The good news is that I learned a few things this time around - and since I know you're all dying to hear those, I'll share. 1. Apparently I actually CAN be in a relationship. Feel free to snicker, but I'm pretty sure there were bets going around on whether or not I could handle relationship-ness. I can. So there. 2. I know who I am. It took awhile, but I can without a doubt tell you that I know me - want I want, what I expect, who I want standing next to me, and what I'll compromise on. That's a large accomplishment in life, if I do say so myself. And finally, 3. Sometimes, they're just not that into you.
The other good news is that I now will have plenty to blog about as I delve back into the world of singlehood. Now, please excuse me while I go order my crazy-cat-lady starter kit.
May your days be filled with those who love you as you deserve...
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Sabotage
So, Relationship Jen just hit her first speed bump. I think it was actually some form of Single Jen lying in the middle of commitment road. How's that for a visual?
I have this voice in my head. No, not the ones where only medication will quiet them, but ones who like to tell me that I'm not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, you name it. Sometimes that voice gets stuck on repeat and I find myself being lulled into accepting that to be true. I hit that place this past weekend. I found myself telling people not to get too excited about recent posts of a relationship because I wasn't sure things were going to work out.
I didn't realize at the time just how clearly I was sabotaging myself. It wasn't until I had a couple of conversations with a great friend (which weren't even about me) that I had the big aha moment. Instead of idly listening to the delusional voice in my head, I had to be strong enough to say what I wanted and know that I deserved it. I had to believe in myself, have some faith in me. And, after some thought, I realized I wanted Relationship Jen (and the relationship). So I had an amazing conversation with an amazing boyfriend, and suddenly the voice in my head quieted.
I'm fairly certain this stupid voice in my head will return at some point, but at least now I'm ready. Single Jen will not sabotage me again. And even if she tries, I know I have the people around me who can shut her up.
And since I know I didn't say it before, thank you to a phenomenal friend for the insight - I'm incredibly grateful to have you in my life.
I have this voice in my head. No, not the ones where only medication will quiet them, but ones who like to tell me that I'm not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, you name it. Sometimes that voice gets stuck on repeat and I find myself being lulled into accepting that to be true. I hit that place this past weekend. I found myself telling people not to get too excited about recent posts of a relationship because I wasn't sure things were going to work out.
I didn't realize at the time just how clearly I was sabotaging myself. It wasn't until I had a couple of conversations with a great friend (which weren't even about me) that I had the big aha moment. Instead of idly listening to the delusional voice in my head, I had to be strong enough to say what I wanted and know that I deserved it. I had to believe in myself, have some faith in me. And, after some thought, I realized I wanted Relationship Jen (and the relationship). So I had an amazing conversation with an amazing boyfriend, and suddenly the voice in my head quieted.
I'm fairly certain this stupid voice in my head will return at some point, but at least now I'm ready. Single Jen will not sabotage me again. And even if she tries, I know I have the people around me who can shut her up.
And since I know I didn't say it before, thank you to a phenomenal friend for the insight - I'm incredibly grateful to have you in my life.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
FBM
Ok, so if you've been paying attention you know that I'm the queen of commitment issues. I've held steadfast to singlehood, running faster than a speeding bullet away from situations in which the first signs of relationship-ness were even hinted at. I've even been known to cause fights to get out of relationshipy-type situations.
But then, if you've been paying attention, you also know that recently I decided to let my guard down and give this whole commitment thing a whirl (gasp)! It's been a few months now and just when I was starting to get comfortable with that idea I was chucked back into the deep dark place within my psyche that only knows one word - RUN.
I was called the "FBM." By him.
Now, I'm fairly certain some of you out there just started lol-ing (yes I said it) but for those of you who don't know what that means (it took me a minute), here it is:
Future. Baby. Mama.
Uh oh.
When I was actually able to stop choking on the cheeseburger I was chewing at the time, I talked myself down from the ledge and out of changing my phone number and deleting my social media accounts. I even laughed about the term (it was a joke right? Right?) and then allowed myself just the teeniest thought of what it would be like to someday be that person.
Single Jen, meet Relationship Jen. This could get interesting.
But then, if you've been paying attention, you also know that recently I decided to let my guard down and give this whole commitment thing a whirl (gasp)! It's been a few months now and just when I was starting to get comfortable with that idea I was chucked back into the deep dark place within my psyche that only knows one word - RUN.
I was called the "FBM." By him.
Now, I'm fairly certain some of you out there just started lol-ing (yes I said it) but for those of you who don't know what that means (it took me a minute), here it is:
Future. Baby. Mama.
Uh oh.
When I was actually able to stop choking on the cheeseburger I was chewing at the time, I talked myself down from the ledge and out of changing my phone number and deleting my social media accounts. I even laughed about the term (it was a joke right? Right?) and then allowed myself just the teeniest thought of what it would be like to someday be that person.
Single Jen, meet Relationship Jen. This could get interesting.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
The BIG Announcement
Do do do do!!!
Big announcement time!
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's the moment you've all been waiting (and apparently praying) for...
I am on a hiatus from being single. And before you interject, I completely realize how that sounds. But let's face facts - people don't just change overnight. That holds especially true for someone who has such intense commitment issues as myself. I've been the walking poster child for singlehood for so long that I didn't even see this hiatus coming until it backhanded me in the face. And even then, the "no way, no how, nuh uh uh"of being in a (gasp) relationship came roaring out.
Here's the story (I'll fast forward through the lovey-dovey-ooey-gooey stuff. No reason to make anyone nauseous tonight) to the moment I knew I may still be grasping on to single Jen with both hands - we were hanging out with some friends when one of them said something like, "Jen is trying for the title of his wife." I can't even begin to tell you how thankful I am that he wasn't paying attention at that exact moment because my stomach did about 410 flip flops, my eyes bulged and with a crazed look I said, "no no no no no no no no" faster than it takes to say no once.
Oops.
Now that the panic attack has simmered, I have to admit I'm actually enjoying the hiatus. Life is good - even with some unexpected bumps in the last few months. Maybe...just maybe...single Jen will calm down and start to fade. Or maybe single Jen will win the war.
We shall see.....but either way, there's no reason to buy a wedding gift just yet.
May your days be filled with those who make you happy.
Big announcement time!
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's the moment you've all been waiting (and apparently praying) for...
I am on a hiatus from being single. And before you interject, I completely realize how that sounds. But let's face facts - people don't just change overnight. That holds especially true for someone who has such intense commitment issues as myself. I've been the walking poster child for singlehood for so long that I didn't even see this hiatus coming until it backhanded me in the face. And even then, the "no way, no how, nuh uh uh"of being in a (gasp) relationship came roaring out.
Here's the story (I'll fast forward through the lovey-dovey-ooey-gooey stuff. No reason to make anyone nauseous tonight) to the moment I knew I may still be grasping on to single Jen with both hands - we were hanging out with some friends when one of them said something like, "Jen is trying for the title of his wife." I can't even begin to tell you how thankful I am that he wasn't paying attention at that exact moment because my stomach did about 410 flip flops, my eyes bulged and with a crazed look I said, "no no no no no no no no" faster than it takes to say no once.
Oops.
Now that the panic attack has simmered, I have to admit I'm actually enjoying the hiatus. Life is good - even with some unexpected bumps in the last few months. Maybe...just maybe...single Jen will calm down and start to fade. Or maybe single Jen will win the war.
We shall see.....but either way, there's no reason to buy a wedding gift just yet.
May your days be filled with those who make you happy.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
The Attack of the Not-So-Peppy Jen
Please don't call me peppy, energetic or positive.
Not today.
It's funny how labels become so much a part of who we are that we spend our days trying to live up to them. I recently received a group card and almost everyone who signed it referred, in some way, to my positive outlook and incredibly high energy level.
So it's confession time - I'm not always peppy (it's true, I promise). Apparently, though, I'm great at faking it (insert your favorite joke here). But in all seriousness, sometimes it can be really tiring to spend your days living up to the label of perky, peppy and positive.
Take today for example - by the time I hit my couch this afternoon I was beat. I've been sick and emotionally whiplashed, but I had a phone call to make. As I ended the conversation with my father he said, "but it sounds like you're doing ok." Score one for the pretend-to-be-peppy Jen.
Labels are our own creations and then ironically become self-fulfilling prophecies. We spend so much time and effort trying to be the person we think other people want us to be, not the perfectly imperfect selves we truly are. Labels are everywhere, and it's almost impossible to get rid of them. But it's important that we find the people in our lives who allow us to be label-free (or at least let us shed it for a little while). People who dig deeper, see more than the one-dimensional and give you the freedom to do the same. Today I was grateful for those people.
So if you'll excuse me, not-so-peppy Jen needs to go find someone to yell at. Just so you know, though, I'll be back to being peppy first thing tomorrow morning.
Not today.
It's funny how labels become so much a part of who we are that we spend our days trying to live up to them. I recently received a group card and almost everyone who signed it referred, in some way, to my positive outlook and incredibly high energy level.
So it's confession time - I'm not always peppy (it's true, I promise). Apparently, though, I'm great at faking it (insert your favorite joke here). But in all seriousness, sometimes it can be really tiring to spend your days living up to the label of perky, peppy and positive.
Take today for example - by the time I hit my couch this afternoon I was beat. I've been sick and emotionally whiplashed, but I had a phone call to make. As I ended the conversation with my father he said, "but it sounds like you're doing ok." Score one for the pretend-to-be-peppy Jen.
Labels are our own creations and then ironically become self-fulfilling prophecies. We spend so much time and effort trying to be the person we think other people want us to be, not the perfectly imperfect selves we truly are. Labels are everywhere, and it's almost impossible to get rid of them. But it's important that we find the people in our lives who allow us to be label-free (or at least let us shed it for a little while). People who dig deeper, see more than the one-dimensional and give you the freedom to do the same. Today I was grateful for those people.
So if you'll excuse me, not-so-peppy Jen needs to go find someone to yell at. Just so you know, though, I'll be back to being peppy first thing tomorrow morning.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Round Two
I think I just quit dating.
In case I haven't said this before, I'm obsessive about punctuality. If you tell me something starts at 5, chances are I'm going to be there at least 10 minutes before 5. I'll be hanging out in my car, but I'll be there. You know that if I start a blog off with this particular tidbit, the rest is not going to be pretty. Without further ado, I present the story of Random Guy #2. I know you've been waiting.
This date was doomed from the start. Random Guy #2 said "meet me at the restaurant at 7." Random Guy #2 showed up at 7:30. I was actually in the process of cashing out my bar tab to head home when he comes waltzing in. Seriously, waltzing. Like he had no cares in the world. That should have been the giant neon sign flashing RUN, but...I suddenly realized I was still hungry and if I had to go through the motions of getting ready and sitting at a bar by myself for 30 minutes, then I should at least get a free meal. So, I stayed.
Bad idea.
Halfway through dinner I found myself sitting in the middle of a Letterman Top Ten skit - the "Top Ten Reasons Why You Should Be Über Grateful I Even Showed Up And Am Sitting Across The Table From You, Even If I Was 30 Minutes Late" skit. I think I stopped listening at reason #4 and started creating my grocery list (in my mind of course - I'm not rude enough to pull out a notepad and pen to write things down, although I'm not sure he would have even noticed). THEN I started thinking about all of the things I could have been doing at home, which was yet another bad idea because all I wanted to do then was go home and start the list. (FYI, you know you're getting older when people are talking and all you're thinking about is laundry and dishes) THEN I started trying to figure out ways to pull out my phone and strategically place it under the table so I could at least do something more productive than listen to how wonderful my date was...like update my Facebook status.
Dinner's finally over and I couldn't get out of there any faster (yes, even without dessert). I honestly believe Random Guy #2 owes me 124.6 minutes of my life back, and the meal we had was nowhere near adequate compensation. I briefly considered naming him in this blog as a way to partially recoup my losses, but then the nicer part of me kicked in - plus, who wants to give a narcissist more free press? Either way, I think I may be over this whole dinner date theory.
And Random Guys.
In case I haven't said this before, I'm obsessive about punctuality. If you tell me something starts at 5, chances are I'm going to be there at least 10 minutes before 5. I'll be hanging out in my car, but I'll be there. You know that if I start a blog off with this particular tidbit, the rest is not going to be pretty. Without further ado, I present the story of Random Guy #2. I know you've been waiting.
This date was doomed from the start. Random Guy #2 said "meet me at the restaurant at 7." Random Guy #2 showed up at 7:30. I was actually in the process of cashing out my bar tab to head home when he comes waltzing in. Seriously, waltzing. Like he had no cares in the world. That should have been the giant neon sign flashing RUN, but...I suddenly realized I was still hungry and if I had to go through the motions of getting ready and sitting at a bar by myself for 30 minutes, then I should at least get a free meal. So, I stayed.
Bad idea.
Halfway through dinner I found myself sitting in the middle of a Letterman Top Ten skit - the "Top Ten Reasons Why You Should Be Über Grateful I Even Showed Up And Am Sitting Across The Table From You, Even If I Was 30 Minutes Late" skit. I think I stopped listening at reason #4 and started creating my grocery list (in my mind of course - I'm not rude enough to pull out a notepad and pen to write things down, although I'm not sure he would have even noticed). THEN I started thinking about all of the things I could have been doing at home, which was yet another bad idea because all I wanted to do then was go home and start the list. (FYI, you know you're getting older when people are talking and all you're thinking about is laundry and dishes) THEN I started trying to figure out ways to pull out my phone and strategically place it under the table so I could at least do something more productive than listen to how wonderful my date was...like update my Facebook status.
Dinner's finally over and I couldn't get out of there any faster (yes, even without dessert). I honestly believe Random Guy #2 owes me 124.6 minutes of my life back, and the meal we had was nowhere near adequate compensation. I briefly considered naming him in this blog as a way to partially recoup my losses, but then the nicer part of me kicked in - plus, who wants to give a narcissist more free press? Either way, I think I may be over this whole dinner date theory.
And Random Guys.
Monday, May 28, 2012
The Land of Expectations
Ahh...expectations. Aren't they great?
An amazing friend once told me that disappointment is a direct result of expectations and that learning to live without them is the key to a happy life. So, always willing to try something once, I threw caution to the wind and forgot all of my expectations - for about 37 seconds. And while I love him dearly, I'm going to have to respectfully disagree with his philosophy, at least in how it pertains to me and my life. Call me naive (go ahead, I've been called worse) but I like to hope for the best in people, places and things until they have proven otherwise. I expect the best in humankind.
Recently I found myself disappointed in a person and a situation and seriously reconsidered the whole "no expectations" thing. But, after those 37 seconds passed, I once again remembered that's not who I truly am at my core. It's almost impossible for me to live without them.
Bottom line is this - I have expectations and they are a product of exactly what I feel about myself. I don't expect perfection, but I do expect to be treated with kindness and respect, to not have promises made only to be broken, and to have people's words match their actions. This is who I am, what I expect out of life and the people in it. I will not lower or completely forget about the things that matter most to me.
While I'm certain I will be disappointed
In the future, I'll continue to expect the best out of life. I know that there will be plenty of people as I grow that won't be able to meet my expectations. And that's okay, because it's these expectations that will help me weed out the people who don't deserve to be part of my life.
May today you be true to yourself...
An amazing friend once told me that disappointment is a direct result of expectations and that learning to live without them is the key to a happy life. So, always willing to try something once, I threw caution to the wind and forgot all of my expectations - for about 37 seconds. And while I love him dearly, I'm going to have to respectfully disagree with his philosophy, at least in how it pertains to me and my life. Call me naive (go ahead, I've been called worse) but I like to hope for the best in people, places and things until they have proven otherwise. I expect the best in humankind.
Recently I found myself disappointed in a person and a situation and seriously reconsidered the whole "no expectations" thing. But, after those 37 seconds passed, I once again remembered that's not who I truly am at my core. It's almost impossible for me to live without them.
Bottom line is this - I have expectations and they are a product of exactly what I feel about myself. I don't expect perfection, but I do expect to be treated with kindness and respect, to not have promises made only to be broken, and to have people's words match their actions. This is who I am, what I expect out of life and the people in it. I will not lower or completely forget about the things that matter most to me.
While I'm certain I will be disappointed
In the future, I'll continue to expect the best out of life. I know that there will be plenty of people as I grow that won't be able to meet my expectations. And that's okay, because it's these expectations that will help me weed out the people who don't deserve to be part of my life.
May today you be true to yourself...
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
The Dating Puddle
And now, the moment you've all been waiting for...a glimpse into the 30-something single-girl dating diary. Dim the lights, pop the popcorn and get comfortable because you're all in for a entertaining treat.
Okay, maybe not.
I have to admit - I'm way out of practice when it comes to this whole dating thing. My last relationship was over 6 years, immediately following a 4 year-er, and my idea of date night was where someone else cooked dinner, there was more than just a fork on the table and I could wear heels (instead of flip flops) with my jeans. I know, I know.
I hate dating. Dating, contrary to what some good-intentioned friends tried to
convince me, is not like riding a bike. Because, you see, bike-riding does not involve progressively more complex and confusing levels as you age. You can wear the same bike-riding pants at 20 as you can at 30 and 40 and 50. You can even ride the same bike (or one just like it). You can get back on a bike seat and everything feels natural all over again. This is not the case for those of us who have been stepping around the dating puddle for such a long time. Apparently the rules (and clothes) of dating change as you age and all of it has the peculiar stench of awkwardness.
But, since we're on this whole living life kick I decided to give it a whirl. I got my nails done, my hair all fancied up, threw on a (gasp) dress and hit the town with random guy #1. Random guy #1 gets his name because we met in a random place, at a random time. I'm assuming there will be a random guy #2 - eventually.
Anywho, I guess in your 30s the word "date" means dinner and then maybe something following dinner if you're lucky enough to not have made a fool out of yourself in the first 60 minutes. Have you ever tried to have a conversation with someone you barely know that you're trying to impress and analyze all at the same time as you're chewing?? It's not that easy. Inevitably, there's always a question that comes right as you take a bite. But, awkward moments aside, dinner was filled with conversation (between chews) and very little silence, which I took as a good sign. Mission accomplished. And, I'm proud to say that I even knew enough not to consume enough alcohol to float a yacht (although the jitters were definitely encouraging me otherwise).
So...dinner's over...here's the true test...and the suggestion was dessert. Hmmm, not sure how to take that one. Here's what went on in my head, "Dessert? We just left a restaurant that served dessert. Is this a true extension of a date? What exactly does dessert mean? Am I over analyzing this? Argh."
Sigh. On to the next awkward moment.
Okay, maybe not.
I have to admit - I'm way out of practice when it comes to this whole dating thing. My last relationship was over 6 years, immediately following a 4 year-er, and my idea of date night was where someone else cooked dinner, there was more than just a fork on the table and I could wear heels (instead of flip flops) with my jeans. I know, I know.
I hate dating. Dating, contrary to what some good-intentioned friends tried to
convince me, is not like riding a bike. Because, you see, bike-riding does not involve progressively more complex and confusing levels as you age. You can wear the same bike-riding pants at 20 as you can at 30 and 40 and 50. You can even ride the same bike (or one just like it). You can get back on a bike seat and everything feels natural all over again. This is not the case for those of us who have been stepping around the dating puddle for such a long time. Apparently the rules (and clothes) of dating change as you age and all of it has the peculiar stench of awkwardness.
But, since we're on this whole living life kick I decided to give it a whirl. I got my nails done, my hair all fancied up, threw on a (gasp) dress and hit the town with random guy #1. Random guy #1 gets his name because we met in a random place, at a random time. I'm assuming there will be a random guy #2 - eventually.
Anywho, I guess in your 30s the word "date" means dinner and then maybe something following dinner if you're lucky enough to not have made a fool out of yourself in the first 60 minutes. Have you ever tried to have a conversation with someone you barely know that you're trying to impress and analyze all at the same time as you're chewing?? It's not that easy. Inevitably, there's always a question that comes right as you take a bite. But, awkward moments aside, dinner was filled with conversation (between chews) and very little silence, which I took as a good sign. Mission accomplished. And, I'm proud to say that I even knew enough not to consume enough alcohol to float a yacht (although the jitters were definitely encouraging me otherwise).
So...dinner's over...here's the true test...and the suggestion was dessert. Hmmm, not sure how to take that one. Here's what went on in my head, "Dessert? We just left a restaurant that served dessert. Is this a true extension of a date? What exactly does dessert mean? Am I over analyzing this? Argh."
Sigh. On to the next awkward moment.
Fears and Tears
Today's blog confession: I made my father cry.
Now I know that in my almost 33 years I've probably done a handful of things that have brought tears to my dad's eyes - like when I got caught by the parish priest writing scandalous non-Catholicy things, or when I blew out my knee and my soccer career went kaput, or when my pending nuptials went spiraling down the drain but I continued to date the ex-fiancé - but this was the first time he actually cried TO me BECAUSE of me. Well, not technically because of me, but more out of fear of something that may be happening.
If you've followed this blog at all, you'll recall my discussions about a particular health issue, which I affectionately refer to as "Carl." There's no actual reason for that other than calling it some random name seems to make it much easier to discuss (for weeks someone in my life thought Carl was a new boyfriend) and a little more palatable. It appears that Carl, much like a new boyfriend, still has a few surprises for me.
Reader's Digest version: My doctor's office called and said "biopsy" in the most chipper voice I've ever heard. Huh? I'm sorry, what is that you just said? I seriously believe Webster should strike that word from the English language. And no one should ever ever say it in a sing-songy voice. It does nothing except incite fear and, inevitably, tears. I shared the news with my dad who took it in stride until the very end of the conversation. He started to say that I needed to have every test I could possibly have, because....
Fear is a powerful thing. It can knock you over, take your breath away, remind you of the doomsday possibilities and distract you from the positive. It sits with you during the quiet, lonely moments, invades your dreams, erases the joy you should feel every day. Fear can hold you back, hold you down and ultimately immobilize you.
But I also believe that giving in to fear is a conscious decision. I sat with my own fears for a few days, then realized I had 2 choices: I could continue to let it define me, or I could defy it. Life is never promised to us, and each day is a very precious gift. So maybe, it some weird way, that too chipper phone call was a wake-up call from the universe, reminding me to grab hold of life and take in each moment I'm given (which included a great big splash back into the dating puddle - more on that in the next post).
Luckily for me, when it was all said and done, the word "biopsy" didn't turn out to be life-altering, unless you count the brand new outlook, new therapies and new meds. It was the good news I had been waiting to hear, the news that would make the fears non-existent, for both me and my dad. I'm honestly hoping this is one of the last times I ever make him cry.
May today you overcome all of your fears, dream all of your biggest dreams, and live in each and every moment.
Now I know that in my almost 33 years I've probably done a handful of things that have brought tears to my dad's eyes - like when I got caught by the parish priest writing scandalous non-Catholicy things, or when I blew out my knee and my soccer career went kaput, or when my pending nuptials went spiraling down the drain but I continued to date the ex-fiancé - but this was the first time he actually cried TO me BECAUSE of me. Well, not technically because of me, but more out of fear of something that may be happening.
If you've followed this blog at all, you'll recall my discussions about a particular health issue, which I affectionately refer to as "Carl." There's no actual reason for that other than calling it some random name seems to make it much easier to discuss (for weeks someone in my life thought Carl was a new boyfriend) and a little more palatable. It appears that Carl, much like a new boyfriend, still has a few surprises for me.
Reader's Digest version: My doctor's office called and said "biopsy" in the most chipper voice I've ever heard. Huh? I'm sorry, what is that you just said? I seriously believe Webster should strike that word from the English language. And no one should ever ever say it in a sing-songy voice. It does nothing except incite fear and, inevitably, tears. I shared the news with my dad who took it in stride until the very end of the conversation. He started to say that I needed to have every test I could possibly have, because....
Fear is a powerful thing. It can knock you over, take your breath away, remind you of the doomsday possibilities and distract you from the positive. It sits with you during the quiet, lonely moments, invades your dreams, erases the joy you should feel every day. Fear can hold you back, hold you down and ultimately immobilize you.
But I also believe that giving in to fear is a conscious decision. I sat with my own fears for a few days, then realized I had 2 choices: I could continue to let it define me, or I could defy it. Life is never promised to us, and each day is a very precious gift. So maybe, it some weird way, that too chipper phone call was a wake-up call from the universe, reminding me to grab hold of life and take in each moment I'm given (which included a great big splash back into the dating puddle - more on that in the next post).
Luckily for me, when it was all said and done, the word "biopsy" didn't turn out to be life-altering, unless you count the brand new outlook, new therapies and new meds. It was the good news I had been waiting to hear, the news that would make the fears non-existent, for both me and my dad. I'm honestly hoping this is one of the last times I ever make him cry.
May today you overcome all of your fears, dream all of your biggest dreams, and live in each and every moment.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Just a Quick Note
First, I want to apologize for the lack of witty postings. I have heard from a number of you about my apparent absence from the blog, so I figured I should probably write a quick note.
The truth is I recently had one of those moments when life comes around and knocks you on your ass. For some reason, this time around its been a little harder to get back on my feet than before. I've spent days walking around in emotional zombie land and haven't felt truly inspired to write (or talk or do for that matter) about anything. This is also my apology to those of you in my life who have experienced my lack of interest recently.
So - I may be MIA for a little while, but I will be back to regale you with stories of single hood shortly, just as soon as my legs get back underneath me. Thank you to all of you for your love, support, and continued readership of this fairly random blog, and I will see all of you very soon!
May all of you today find the things that pick you up...
The truth is I recently had one of those moments when life comes around and knocks you on your ass. For some reason, this time around its been a little harder to get back on my feet than before. I've spent days walking around in emotional zombie land and haven't felt truly inspired to write (or talk or do for that matter) about anything. This is also my apology to those of you in my life who have experienced my lack of interest recently.
So - I may be MIA for a little while, but I will be back to regale you with stories of single hood shortly, just as soon as my legs get back underneath me. Thank you to all of you for your love, support, and continued readership of this fairly random blog, and I will see all of you very soon!
May all of you today find the things that pick you up...
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Tiny Ripples
It's true that my life, like everyone else's, has had its share of potholes and brick walls. Through all of the tragedies and triumphs though, one thing holds true - the universe has surrounded me with exactly the right people in exactly the right moments. I'm not sure I will ever have the words to adequately describe the strength and support I receive from them, but those people have left enduring marks on my heart.
I have to admit, I was a little caught off-guard by the response to my last posting. I tend to go off on tangents, especially in areas in which I am passionate, and this was no exception. Through emails, phone calls and public postings (thank you to a very dear friend for sharing for others to see), I realized that my one tiny ripple reached more people than I could have ever imagined.
Within 48 hours of that posting, I received this poem. Tonight I want to share it with you. For all of my readers, both those I know and those I have never met, thank you for allowing me the safe place to open up:
May you all continue to be that light for others.
I have to admit, I was a little caught off-guard by the response to my last posting. I tend to go off on tangents, especially in areas in which I am passionate, and this was no exception. Through emails, phone calls and public postings (thank you to a very dear friend for sharing for others to see), I realized that my one tiny ripple reached more people than I could have ever imagined.
Within 48 hours of that posting, I received this poem. Tonight I want to share it with you. For all of my readers, both those I know and those I have never met, thank you for allowing me the safe place to open up:
I'm Glad I Touched Shoulders With You
There's a comforting thought at the close of a day
When I'm weary and lonely and sad
That sort of takes hold of my crusty old heart
and bids it be merry and glad.
It gets in my soul and drives out the blues,
and it finally thrills through and through:
It is just a sweet memory that chants the refrain,
I'm glad I touched shoulders with you.
Did you know you were brave,
Did you know you were strong?
Did you know that I waited and prayed
and was cheered by your simplest word?
Did you know that I longed for the smile on your face?
For the sound of your voice ringing true?
Did you know I grew stronger and better because
I have merely touched shoulders with you?
I'm glad that I live, that I battle and strive
For the place that I know I must fill;
I am thankful for sorrows; I'll meet with a grin
What fortune may send, good or ill.
I may not have wealth, I may not be great,
But I know I shall always be true,
For I have for eternity that love that you gave
Because I rubbed shoulders with you.
-Author Unknown
May you all continue to be that light for others.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Let's Talk About It
I just attended a domestic violence conference and between the heart-wrenching statistics shared there and the media storm that accompanied all of the young girls who tweeted they would allow Chris Brown to beat them following his appearance on the Grammy's, I feel compelled to do something I have very rarely done.
So let's talk about it.
Earlier in my life, I became involved with a guy that I originally thought was pretty damn amazing. He seemed to be well-liked, had a bit of a bad boy edge, and was definitely into me. Little did I know what I was actually getting involved in after that first date.
Through a series of events (which we'll save for some future blog), I had begun to think that love somehow involved some version of hurt. My self-esteem was already floundering when I met this guy, I was at a point in my life where I had just started to come into my own and develop my own identity, and I fell HARD. Things seemed wonderful at first....but even that didn't last very long.
Over the course of a few months it became increasingly obvious that I was much more considered property than a girlfriend. I was expected to do things, say things, be things that he wanted, and there was constant ridicule and humiliation if I failed to comply. At some point, things went from verbal and emotional abuse to physical. I somehow managed to hide the increasing amount of violence from everyone who loved me while still attempting to hold on to this "man".
One of the last violent moments still sticks in my mind as if it is somehow permanently imprinted there, like a horrible nightmare that just keeps replaying over and over. It was late and I was ready to leave his house, ready to go home for the night. I had already heard some really not-so-pleasant things about me, my body, and, without going into graphic details, my ways of doing things. When I vocalized that I was heading home, the look in his eyes was almost crazed. I was stripped of my clothing and locked in a room - an effort aimed at imparting humiliation and degradation but also at making it very clear who was actually in charge. Again, no graphic details here, but it was a very long night. When I finally arrived home I looked as if I had just been hit by a bus - I was covered in ash and Jack Daniels and could see the beginnings of more than just a few bruises.
Something in me came alive when I looked in the mirror that day. I knew that if my parents had seen me (or smelled for that matter) that morning I would be in serious trouble. More than anything, though, I knew I would see the concern in their eyes. It's then that the voice in my head finally spoke up to support me - saying that there was no way I could continue on this path.
I made the decision to get out, made my plan, and eventually packed up and moved to California. But the violence didn't end there. He attacked me via all forms of social networking (at that time it was email and instant messenger - thank goodness Twitter and Facebook didn't exist, who knows how horrible that could have been) and flew out to California. I became a statistic (it takes, on average, 7 attempts to leave an abusive situation), but when I refused to do the things he wanted me to do because the voice in my head was getting stronger, he attacked me verbally, told me I was never going to be wife-material, and packed up and left. I never spoke to him again.
Let me be perfectly clear here - just because I walked away from an abusive relationship doesn't mean I am any better than those who choose to stay. What it does mean is that one day I realized that I couldn't do it anymore, that I couldn't be that person any longer. I do not look at women who choose to stay and blame them. I WAS them. For a long time. It took a very long time to be able to look at myself in the mirror, to believe that the person staring back at me was not the person he convinced me I was. I still have those moments today, more than 10 years later. I understand the pain and heartbreak associated with an abusive relationship, both being in one and leaving one. I understand the toll that takes on you and your life for years. I hope that if you are reading this and identifying with the situation, that you are not judged but supported by those who really love you.
So what needs to be done? What we need is not only to teach our girls that they are strong, competent, and that no man is ever going to be worth that, but also to teach our boys that violence is NEVER EVER okay. I am not property, you are not my master, and the belief systems that encourage that way of thinking need to disappear. We'll be able to do that when we start speaking up, loudly, and putting a face and a name to the violence.
You now have mine.
May all of you be treated with dignity, respect and love - today and always.
So let's talk about it.
Earlier in my life, I became involved with a guy that I originally thought was pretty damn amazing. He seemed to be well-liked, had a bit of a bad boy edge, and was definitely into me. Little did I know what I was actually getting involved in after that first date.
Through a series of events (which we'll save for some future blog), I had begun to think that love somehow involved some version of hurt. My self-esteem was already floundering when I met this guy, I was at a point in my life where I had just started to come into my own and develop my own identity, and I fell HARD. Things seemed wonderful at first....but even that didn't last very long.
Over the course of a few months it became increasingly obvious that I was much more considered property than a girlfriend. I was expected to do things, say things, be things that he wanted, and there was constant ridicule and humiliation if I failed to comply. At some point, things went from verbal and emotional abuse to physical. I somehow managed to hide the increasing amount of violence from everyone who loved me while still attempting to hold on to this "man".
One of the last violent moments still sticks in my mind as if it is somehow permanently imprinted there, like a horrible nightmare that just keeps replaying over and over. It was late and I was ready to leave his house, ready to go home for the night. I had already heard some really not-so-pleasant things about me, my body, and, without going into graphic details, my ways of doing things. When I vocalized that I was heading home, the look in his eyes was almost crazed. I was stripped of my clothing and locked in a room - an effort aimed at imparting humiliation and degradation but also at making it very clear who was actually in charge. Again, no graphic details here, but it was a very long night. When I finally arrived home I looked as if I had just been hit by a bus - I was covered in ash and Jack Daniels and could see the beginnings of more than just a few bruises.
Something in me came alive when I looked in the mirror that day. I knew that if my parents had seen me (or smelled for that matter) that morning I would be in serious trouble. More than anything, though, I knew I would see the concern in their eyes. It's then that the voice in my head finally spoke up to support me - saying that there was no way I could continue on this path.
I made the decision to get out, made my plan, and eventually packed up and moved to California. But the violence didn't end there. He attacked me via all forms of social networking (at that time it was email and instant messenger - thank goodness Twitter and Facebook didn't exist, who knows how horrible that could have been) and flew out to California. I became a statistic (it takes, on average, 7 attempts to leave an abusive situation), but when I refused to do the things he wanted me to do because the voice in my head was getting stronger, he attacked me verbally, told me I was never going to be wife-material, and packed up and left. I never spoke to him again.
Let me be perfectly clear here - just because I walked away from an abusive relationship doesn't mean I am any better than those who choose to stay. What it does mean is that one day I realized that I couldn't do it anymore, that I couldn't be that person any longer. I do not look at women who choose to stay and blame them. I WAS them. For a long time. It took a very long time to be able to look at myself in the mirror, to believe that the person staring back at me was not the person he convinced me I was. I still have those moments today, more than 10 years later. I understand the pain and heartbreak associated with an abusive relationship, both being in one and leaving one. I understand the toll that takes on you and your life for years. I hope that if you are reading this and identifying with the situation, that you are not judged but supported by those who really love you.
So what needs to be done? What we need is not only to teach our girls that they are strong, competent, and that no man is ever going to be worth that, but also to teach our boys that violence is NEVER EVER okay. I am not property, you are not my master, and the belief systems that encourage that way of thinking need to disappear. We'll be able to do that when we start speaking up, loudly, and putting a face and a name to the violence.
You now have mine.
May all of you be treated with dignity, respect and love - today and always.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
The Upside of Running Away
A few weeks back I took a much needed break from reality. I packed a bag, decided against telling anyone I was leaving and ran away from my life. And while I know there are a few of you out there skipping over words right now trying to get to the juicy part of THAT story, I’m sorry to say I’m still not sharing. I firmly believe there are some moments, some memories in our lives that we should keep just for ourselves. Ones that we only share with the person(s) we made them with. But I digress.
I had reached a point in my life in which simply turning off the ringer on my phone and curling up on the couch wasn’t going to do any good. I needed to be someone other than Jen, if only for a few days. I needed to shut off the every day and be free to absorb the little joys in life.
We all have moments that can wreak havoc on our emotions - different situations that lead to a questioning of ourselves and if we’re truly on the right path. I have a tendency to allow myself to be overpowered by the voice in my head that, despite any visible successes, knows exactly what to say to knock me off my feet. This voice can become massive and cruel and can use almost any situation to point out all of my fears and weaknesses, turning them into some skewed version of the truth.
I have learned, throughout my life, that running away from my problems for a short amount of time helps alleviate the voice in my head. I think that denial is the mind’s way of allowing the body to continue to heal because if we continued to be stuck inside our minds, our physical selves would deteriorate until there was nothing left.
I’m not saying that running away is a permanent coping skill to problems in our lives. All that really happens then is the our problems find new homes in the places we ran to. But running away for a short amount of time can give us the energy we need to face whatever challenges await with the courage and strength that was being depleted.
And while I’m still not sharing, I will tell you that my break from Jen was exactly what I needed at that exact moment. And for that I am grateful - grateful for those who accept me for who I am and for those who allow me to be whatever I want to be.
May you all find moments of rejuvenation today...
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
In Not So Many Words
Recently we received some great news that we were expecting another little one in the family. Being the opportunist that I am, I took this as a chance to once again try to convince my father that there would be no babies from his youngest anytime in the near future - if ever. I had my argument planned out before the phone call. Please read on to see how the conversation went (and note this is the abbreviated version so please don't get offended):
Me: "So, you got the text?"
Dad: "Yep, another little one."
Me: "It's great for them..." (I think I may have stressed THEM as a precursor)
Dad: "Yep, they wanted another one."
Me: "I'm happy for them - they can keep having babies. Not me."
Dad: "Good. I've been trying to tell all of you that you shouldn't even have kids. They're too expensive."
Umm...huh? I think I actually got silent at that point in the conversation. Up until recently, my father was trying to marry me off (I stopped mentioning names of guys I went out with) and seemed to be expecting that I would be expecting. My silence gave him the chance to go off on a rant about how much money it cost to raise a child until he/she was 18. Then he said the best thing ever:
Dad: "Save your money for a new car. With what you'll be getting paid for the rest of your life you're gonna need all the cash you can get."
So call me crazy - but I'm fairly certain that I just heard my father tell me that he accepted who I was and was proud of the person I was becoming. There are no words to adequately describe the feeling that washed over me in that exact moment. Who knew the one thing I'd been searching for within myself could be validated and uncovered by hearing someone else make that acknowledgement? The one person (other than my mother) who was so completely invested in me as a person had just given me the most precious gift. A moment I'll treasure, even if it came in a roundabout way.
My hope is that each of you today receive that gift of acceptance and acknowledgement from those you love - and that you continue to spread that gift. All it takes is one person to give us the faith we need to begin to believe in ourselves. Even if it's in not so many words...
Me: "So, you got the text?"
Dad: "Yep, another little one."
Me: "It's great for them..." (I think I may have stressed THEM as a precursor)
Dad: "Yep, they wanted another one."
Me: "I'm happy for them - they can keep having babies. Not me."
Dad: "Good. I've been trying to tell all of you that you shouldn't even have kids. They're too
Umm...huh? I think I actually got silent at that point in the conversation. Up until recently, my father was trying to marry me off (I stopped mentioning names of guys I went out with) and seemed to be expecting that I would be expecting. My silence gave him the chance to go off on a rant about how much money it cost to raise a child until he/she was 18. Then he said the best thing ever:
Dad: "Save your money for a new car. With what you'll be getting paid for the rest of your life you're gonna need all the cash you can get."
So call me crazy - but I'm fairly certain that I just heard my father tell me that he accepted who I was and was proud of the person I was becoming. There are no words to adequately describe the feeling that washed over me in that exact moment. Who knew the one thing I'd been searching for within myself could be validated and uncovered by hearing someone else make that acknowledgement? The one person (other than my mother) who was so completely invested in me as a person had just given me the most precious gift. A moment I'll treasure, even if it came in a roundabout way.
My hope is that each of you today receive that gift of acceptance and acknowledgement from those you love - and that you continue to spread that gift. All it takes is one person to give us the faith we need to begin to believe in ourselves. Even if it's in not so many words...
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Do we have to talk about it?
Okay, here's today's blog disclaimer: Yes, I am a therapist. I spend the majority of my professional days helping people discuss difficult topics. However, when it comes to my personal life I very rarely go there except with a handful of people. Hence the title of this post. And yes, I fully comprehend the irony of a therapist that doesn't want to talk about it. So now that you've read the disclaimer, we'll continue with the story.
A week or so back I was on the phone with my dad as I was getting ready to head out the door for dinner with a friend. When he found out where I was headed and with whom, my father broached a subject I was illogically hoping to avoid. No, not marriage and not babies. I think I would have preferred that conversation. In my head I knew it had to happen eventually, but I was so happy living in blissful ignorance that I had managed to convince myself that perhaps my heart would never have to hear it. So what was it that ever-so-slightly freaked me out?
My dad wants to start dating.
Next month we'll hit the 3 year anniversary of losing my mother. Since that moment, my dad has been attempting to redefine his life without her. He started going out to different restaurants, but sits at the bar and converses with the bartenders and the "regulars." On that phone call a few weeks back he said something that ripped open my heart - that he hasn't sat at a table in a restaurant with a woman for a very long time. Even when I was there we sat at the bar - although that's not even close to what he was saying.
I'll admit it - my heart did a flip flop. I'm knocking on the door of 33 and all I've ever known was my mom and my dad. Together. No one else. Now there may be a chance of someone else? Uh oh, I think I may have just been chucked into adulthood. Luckily for me someone out there created a mute button and I just happened to have a friend standing steps away. I muted the phone and told him what had just happened. Being the only voice of reason in that moment he said the one thing I needed to hear - "Isn't that a good thing? All you've wanted for the past 3 years was for him to be happy. This is what he needs to be happy. This isn't about you."
That was the ultimate truth. Despite my feelings about losing my mom and the potential for some other person to come into our lives, all I've be wishing for, all I've been hoping for is for my dad to be happy. The past 3 years have been rough....and if this is what he needs....it may not be easy for me, but it's not really about me is it?
So what did I say to him, to the man who has been trying to recreate his life in the last 3 years? I said the same thing I would say to anyone starting a new chapter of their lives - "Give it a whirl, what's the worst that could happen?"
That's the lesson here - moving on to a new chapter may be difficult. There will definitely be people out there with opinions on what you should or shouldn't do. But the ultimate truth is that it isn't about them - so go ahead and give it a whirl. You'll never know what's waiting for you if you don't.
A week or so back I was on the phone with my dad as I was getting ready to head out the door for dinner with a friend. When he found out where I was headed and with whom, my father broached a subject I was illogically hoping to avoid. No, not marriage and not babies. I think I would have preferred that conversation. In my head I knew it had to happen eventually, but I was so happy living in blissful ignorance that I had managed to convince myself that perhaps my heart would never have to hear it. So what was it that ever-so-slightly freaked me out?
My dad wants to start dating.
Next month we'll hit the 3 year anniversary of losing my mother. Since that moment, my dad has been attempting to redefine his life without her. He started going out to different restaurants, but sits at the bar and converses with the bartenders and the "regulars." On that phone call a few weeks back he said something that ripped open my heart - that he hasn't sat at a table in a restaurant with a woman for a very long time. Even when I was there we sat at the bar - although that's not even close to what he was saying.
I'll admit it - my heart did a flip flop. I'm knocking on the door of 33 and all I've ever known was my mom and my dad. Together. No one else. Now there may be a chance of someone else? Uh oh, I think I may have just been chucked into adulthood. Luckily for me someone out there created a mute button and I just happened to have a friend standing steps away. I muted the phone and told him what had just happened. Being the only voice of reason in that moment he said the one thing I needed to hear - "Isn't that a good thing? All you've wanted for the past 3 years was for him to be happy. This is what he needs to be happy. This isn't about you."
That was the ultimate truth. Despite my feelings about losing my mom and the potential for some other person to come into our lives, all I've be wishing for, all I've been hoping for is for my dad to be happy. The past 3 years have been rough....and if this is what he needs....it may not be easy for me, but it's not really about me is it?
So what did I say to him, to the man who has been trying to recreate his life in the last 3 years? I said the same thing I would say to anyone starting a new chapter of their lives - "Give it a whirl, what's the worst that could happen?"
That's the lesson here - moving on to a new chapter may be difficult. There will definitely be people out there with opinions on what you should or shouldn't do. But the ultimate truth is that it isn't about them - so go ahead and give it a whirl. You'll never know what's waiting for you if you don't.
Monday, January 30, 2012
What Do You Want?
This is going to be a short one.
I recently had the pleasure of listening to a pretty phenomenal speaker - Michael Bungay Stanier - who had the uncanny ability to pull me in. I've told you previously that my attention span rivals that of a gnat, so for anyone to grab my attention and hold it with such intense passion I'm always impressed. For those of you who haven't heard of him, he has written a book "Do Less Good Work. Do More GREAT work". The premise is that we all spend the majority of our time just getting by - doing what we need to do. I just received an email that resonated that I wanted to share, especially since it came almost immediately after posting my last blog. I hope you enjoy.
<Taken from "Great Work Kickstarter #4 - Where are you stuck?">
It's hard to do Great Work when you're feeling stuck.
Stuck shows up differently for each of us.
For some it's having a dream but not knowing how to get it.
For others, it's not having a dream and feeling empty.
It can be waiting for your superhero to show (and they're taking their time)
Or it can be feeling responsible for everyone - and feeling exhausted.
However you get stuck - and we all get stuck from time to time, it's part of being human - it has this at its essence:
You only have one way to see the situation...and you don't like what you see.
So where are you feeling stuck right now?
Not sure? Here are some clues...
Where do you feel in a rut?
Where do you feel lots of "shoulds" and "musts"
Where do you feel there is no choice?
What makes you grit your teeth in frustration?
What are you tolerating?
Are you starting to see where you might be stuck?
***
For me, this was a powerful message. I hope it carried some power for you as well.
Michael Bungay Stanier can be found at www.BoxofCrayons.biz - sign up for the Great Work Kickstarters!!
I recently had the pleasure of listening to a pretty phenomenal speaker - Michael Bungay Stanier - who had the uncanny ability to pull me in. I've told you previously that my attention span rivals that of a gnat, so for anyone to grab my attention and hold it with such intense passion I'm always impressed. For those of you who haven't heard of him, he has written a book "Do Less Good Work. Do More GREAT work". The premise is that we all spend the majority of our time just getting by - doing what we need to do. I just received an email that resonated that I wanted to share, especially since it came almost immediately after posting my last blog. I hope you enjoy.
<Taken from "Great Work Kickstarter #4 - Where are you stuck?">
It's hard to do Great Work when you're feeling stuck.
Stuck shows up differently for each of us.
For some it's having a dream but not knowing how to get it.
For others, it's not having a dream and feeling empty.
It can be waiting for your superhero to show (and they're taking their time)
Or it can be feeling responsible for everyone - and feeling exhausted.
However you get stuck - and we all get stuck from time to time, it's part of being human - it has this at its essence:
You only have one way to see the situation...and you don't like what you see.
So where are you feeling stuck right now?
Not sure? Here are some clues...
Where do you feel in a rut?
Where do you feel lots of "shoulds" and "musts"
Where do you feel there is no choice?
What makes you grit your teeth in frustration?
What are you tolerating?
Are you starting to see where you might be stuck?
***
For me, this was a powerful message. I hope it carried some power for you as well.
Michael Bungay Stanier can be found at www.BoxofCrayons.biz - sign up for the Great Work Kickstarters!!
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Pity Party of 1
So I know that I write A LOT about strength and being comfortable with being single. This is not going to be one of those blogs. I just wanted to prepare you.
I've talked briefly about a health condition that I've been living with for the past couple of years. After numerous trips to the neurologist we finally found something that could get the annoying symptoms under control. However, during that visit, my doctor (who looks more like the wizard from Oz each time) looked me directly in the eye and informed me this was not a cure and that I needed to be prepared for the days when the symptoms would reappear, however brief.
And they did. With a vengeance. 3 days into a 6 day symptom visit, I became so disoriented I actually fell over in the shower. I ended up on the basin of the tub in tears - partly because I had just taken a nosedive into a shower shelf, but partly because I immediately had the realization that there was no one there to pick me up. You know the phrase, "when it rains it pours"? Yep, that's what happened. Suddenly every single doubt that I had about my life, where I was - WHO I was, came pouring out in a mix of tears and profanity, the whole time just hanging out on the floor of the tub. After some time indulging my pity party, I pulled myself back up, checking to make sure there were not cuts or bruises and continued on my day. Needless to say, it was a rough day and I was about 37 seconds away from tears throughout most of it.
I have a tendency to get stuck sometimes - stuck in my head, stuck on my perceived (and sometimes exaggerated) faults. I felt like a hypocrite - writing this blog about being okay with me and then losing it over a fall. It took a little bit of time (okay, it took a few days and a number of incredible friends), but then I had the realization - just because you want someone to be there during the tough times that doesn't make you weak. It doesn't change who you are at your core. We all want people to be around us who can pick us up in the times that we fall. There's absolutely, positively nothing wrong with that.
My point here is that nobody is perfect. We all have moments when the voice in our head dials up the volume and starts mocking us in surround sound. Moments when the fears and doubts slowly start to creep out of the dark corners we've shoved them into. Show me a person who hasn't questioned their life at some point. It's those gifts, the doubts, and the ability to fight back that keep us moving forward. We get stuck, we get unstuck. We get sucked into the "ideals" of the world around us, the thoughts of who we should be, and forget to pay attention to who we are. I'm fairly certain this will not be my last pity party of my life, but I'm also certain that one fleeting moment on the bottom of a bathtub isn't going to define me. I refuse to let it.
May you all have moments of hope today and in all days to follow.
I've talked briefly about a health condition that I've been living with for the past couple of years. After numerous trips to the neurologist we finally found something that could get the annoying symptoms under control. However, during that visit, my doctor (who looks more like the wizard from Oz each time) looked me directly in the eye and informed me this was not a cure and that I needed to be prepared for the days when the symptoms would reappear, however brief.
And they did. With a vengeance. 3 days into a 6 day symptom visit, I became so disoriented I actually fell over in the shower. I ended up on the basin of the tub in tears - partly because I had just taken a nosedive into a shower shelf, but partly because I immediately had the realization that there was no one there to pick me up. You know the phrase, "when it rains it pours"? Yep, that's what happened. Suddenly every single doubt that I had about my life, where I was - WHO I was, came pouring out in a mix of tears and profanity, the whole time just hanging out on the floor of the tub. After some time indulging my pity party, I pulled myself back up, checking to make sure there were not cuts or bruises and continued on my day. Needless to say, it was a rough day and I was about 37 seconds away from tears throughout most of it.
I have a tendency to get stuck sometimes - stuck in my head, stuck on my perceived (and sometimes exaggerated) faults. I felt like a hypocrite - writing this blog about being okay with me and then losing it over a fall. It took a little bit of time (okay, it took a few days and a number of incredible friends), but then I had the realization - just because you want someone to be there during the tough times that doesn't make you weak. It doesn't change who you are at your core. We all want people to be around us who can pick us up in the times that we fall. There's absolutely, positively nothing wrong with that.
My point here is that nobody is perfect. We all have moments when the voice in our head dials up the volume and starts mocking us in surround sound. Moments when the fears and doubts slowly start to creep out of the dark corners we've shoved them into. Show me a person who hasn't questioned their life at some point. It's those gifts, the doubts, and the ability to fight back that keep us moving forward. We get stuck, we get unstuck. We get sucked into the "ideals" of the world around us, the thoughts of who we should be, and forget to pay attention to who we are. I'm fairly certain this will not be my last pity party of my life, but I'm also certain that one fleeting moment on the bottom of a bathtub isn't going to define me. I refuse to let it.
May you all have moments of hope today and in all days to follow.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Another One Bites the Dust
You may recall a few blog entries back I mentioned a guy I met on a plane during my last-minute trip back to Ohio. He and I were seated next to each other on a teeny tiny puddle jumper headed from Cleveland to Minneapolis and as he sat down he warned me that he hadn't been on a plane since he was a kid. Being the ever-therapist that I am, I jumped in on that and we spent the next 2 short hours in constant conversation. I learned quite a bit about him in that time - he even invited me out to his holiday party - and we exchanged information with the plans of keeping in touch and meeting up again at some point when I was back in Ohio for Christmas. Airplane Guy (note: names have been changed in this story to protect the innocent) was a really nice guy, super cute, quite intelligent, had an interesting career (he flies all over creation), and genuinely seemed interested in me. We started an email exchange within days of our meeting.
I know what you're thinking...I'll tell you what happened.
Christmas came and unfortunately his work sent him out to Daytona Beach the week I spent in Ohio. We continued to exchange emails thinking we would meet up at some point, somewhere down the line (remember, he flies all over creation for work).
Okay, so here it is. Ask any of my really good friends and they will tell you that I'm horrible at keeping in contact if you're not actually in my face on a daily basis. I have the best friend ever who, even after 17 years of friendship, still sounds absolutely shocked when I answer the phone or return a call. I'm constantly moving, can't sit still for long periods of time and always have to have something to occupy me. Phone calls longer than 5 minutes do me in. Especially with a smartphone. With some people (no one reading this blog of course), I speakerphone them and multi-task. I know it's horrible...and not very friend-like but don't judge me - I have the attention span of a gnat. Perhaps this is my issue with relationships...or one of them at least.
Emails are even harder. I check my email a bazillion times a day, but if I don't respond immediately I actually forget to respond at all. And this is what has happened with Airplane Guy. I was, believe it or not, interested in this guy - but I just looked through my emails and realized I haven't responded in 2 weeks. What exactly is the cut-off for that? Anyone? I'm not even sure it's okay to reply this far down the road, but I know I can't possibly be the only one facing this particular dilemma. For crying out loud, someone needs to write a book on social media/social network relationships. Technology is making this a little too difficult for me.
Or maybe, just maybe, this is my subconscious telling me something...
Either way, I think I just chalked up another casualty.
I know what you're thinking...I'll tell you what happened.
Christmas came and unfortunately his work sent him out to Daytona Beach the week I spent in Ohio. We continued to exchange emails thinking we would meet up at some point, somewhere down the line (remember, he flies all over creation for work).
Okay, so here it is. Ask any of my really good friends and they will tell you that I'm horrible at keeping in contact if you're not actually in my face on a daily basis. I have the best friend ever who, even after 17 years of friendship, still sounds absolutely shocked when I answer the phone or return a call. I'm constantly moving, can't sit still for long periods of time and always have to have something to occupy me. Phone calls longer than 5 minutes do me in. Especially with a smartphone. With some people (no one reading this blog of course), I speakerphone them and multi-task. I know it's horrible...and not very friend-like but don't judge me - I have the attention span of a gnat. Perhaps this is my issue with relationships...or one of them at least.
Emails are even harder. I check my email a bazillion times a day, but if I don't respond immediately I actually forget to respond at all. And this is what has happened with Airplane Guy. I was, believe it or not, interested in this guy - but I just looked through my emails and realized I haven't responded in 2 weeks. What exactly is the cut-off for that? Anyone? I'm not even sure it's okay to reply this far down the road, but I know I can't possibly be the only one facing this particular dilemma. For crying out loud, someone needs to write a book on social media/social network relationships. Technology is making this a little too difficult for me.
Or maybe, just maybe, this is my subconscious telling me something...
Either way, I think I just chalked up another casualty.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
What Are We Waiting For?
There's a new app that's gaining some notoriety within a few of my circles - the "If I Die" app being promoted through Facebook. The premise is simple: people have the opportunity to create a video or text message of whatever they want to be released by loved ones they trust upon their death. Part of me is encouraged by the release of this application as it will get an entire new generation to start thinking about what could potentially happen, that life is never promised. I watched the entire marketing video on the "If I Die" website and couldn't help thinking that no matter how intriguing it is....what would the world be like if we all did this now?
What if everyone let down their guard, ignored the fears and doubts and said everything they needed to say to everyone they needed to say it to? If we all took a moment today to tell people what they meant to us, to use the words "I love you"? If we let go of anger and bitterness and forgave those we cared about so deeply? If we said "I'm sorry" to those we've hurt? If we thanked the people in our lives who left the footprints on our hearts? What would this do for our lives? For the world?
Most of you know that by the time the plane touched down in Ohio three years ago, my mother was already on a ventilator, not consciously aware of her surroundings. I have so many regrets from that moment in my life - things I never had the chance to say one last time, things she never got to hear. Between you, me and the cyber-walls, this is something I never ever want to repeat.
So, then the question becomes - What are we waiting for?
May you all find the words that need to be spoken today...
What if everyone let down their guard, ignored the fears and doubts and said everything they needed to say to everyone they needed to say it to? If we all took a moment today to tell people what they meant to us, to use the words "I love you"? If we let go of anger and bitterness and forgave those we cared about so deeply? If we said "I'm sorry" to those we've hurt? If we thanked the people in our lives who left the footprints on our hearts? What would this do for our lives? For the world?
Most of you know that by the time the plane touched down in Ohio three years ago, my mother was already on a ventilator, not consciously aware of her surroundings. I have so many regrets from that moment in my life - things I never had the chance to say one last time, things she never got to hear. Between you, me and the cyber-walls, this is something I never ever want to repeat.
So, then the question becomes - What are we waiting for?
May you all find the words that need to be spoken today...
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Thank You
I have my first dissenter. I suppose part of me is more surprised that it took this long. After all, I tend to put my thoughts down on cyber-paper for everyone to read and judge and there's usually at least one person in the world who disagrees with you. Up until now I've received positive reviews of things that I've written, messages from women who can relate to the overall message of the blog. Both married AND single I might add. Apparently, though, not everyone is as excited about my personal thoughts as I am.
According to this recent dissenter, I'm simply biding my time as a single person until I can meet a man. I guess this person thinks I'm sitting at home in my old holey granny panties sulking over my relationship status and using the blog as a cry for help. I believe the word hypocrite was used. There were lots of other colorful things, but I'll spare you those details.
Here's the thing - if you know me, you know that I like when people disagree with me. I actually still have the trophy from a winning debate in undergrad. I appreciate a well thought-out, respectful banter of sharing of opinions. How can you learn if you aren't willing to have those conversations and actually hear what the other person is saying? I do not, however, appreciate any sort of name calling.
Also, let me reiterate here - I'm not biding my time for anything. I actually like me. I like who I am in this particular moment - how I feel, what I think, what I put down on cyber-paper. I go out, have "romantic" encounters, have fun and lots of laughs. That's not to say that my feelings about relationships may not change somewhere down the line. Why in the crazy world would I ever want to become static? I've had great ones, I'm sure there's another out there. But no one ever said you have to determine who you are by the time you hit your 30s. Or 40s. Or 50s. Or any other time in your life. Or because someone else has decided you should. We're all on a personal journey - it's impossible not to be if you're alive. The key is to not get so set in your beliefs that you miss opportunities.
I completely understand (and still disagree with) the stereotype. I've accepted it. Oh, and dear dissenter, this isn't the first time I've heard that criticism. This isn't even the first time I've heard it this weekend. In fact, I think I may have heard a nicer version of it this morning.
So...thank you to all of the readers who still continue to be yourself despite the dissenters. We are all strong, beautiful and amazing - no matter what other people may say.
According to this recent dissenter, I'm simply biding my time as a single person until I can meet a man. I guess this person thinks I'm sitting at home in my old holey granny panties sulking over my relationship status and using the blog as a cry for help. I believe the word hypocrite was used. There were lots of other colorful things, but I'll spare you those details.
Here's the thing - if you know me, you know that I like when people disagree with me. I actually still have the trophy from a winning debate in undergrad. I appreciate a well thought-out, respectful banter of sharing of opinions. How can you learn if you aren't willing to have those conversations and actually hear what the other person is saying? I do not, however, appreciate any sort of name calling.
Also, let me reiterate here - I'm not biding my time for anything. I actually like me. I like who I am in this particular moment - how I feel, what I think, what I put down on cyber-paper. I go out, have "romantic" encounters, have fun and lots of laughs. That's not to say that my feelings about relationships may not change somewhere down the line. Why in the crazy world would I ever want to become static? I've had great ones, I'm sure there's another out there. But no one ever said you have to determine who you are by the time you hit your 30s. Or 40s. Or 50s. Or any other time in your life. Or because someone else has decided you should. We're all on a personal journey - it's impossible not to be if you're alive. The key is to not get so set in your beliefs that you miss opportunities.
I completely understand (and still disagree with) the stereotype. I've accepted it. Oh, and dear dissenter, this isn't the first time I've heard that criticism. This isn't even the first time I've heard it this weekend. In fact, I think I may have heard a nicer version of it this morning.
So...thank you to all of the readers who still continue to be yourself despite the dissenters. We are all strong, beautiful and amazing - no matter what other people may say.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
So You're Saying I'm Not Abnormal...
Recently I became addicted to Flipboard and in my random readings I came across an article entitled, "Ever Feel Like The Only Single Girl Left in the World? Here's Proof You Aren't." I'll admit, it peaked my curiosity. After all, if I'm taking some liberties here, I think that every single girl in the universe has felt like that at some point in their lives. I know I have. The post starts out with the same thoughts I've had - "I feel like I'm behind in the game of life." Yep - been there, done that, bought the stupid t-shirt (I still try it on every once in awhile).
But then...HOORAY!
Quoting another article in Boston Magazine, I was almost giddy to read that the 2010 US Census statistics report that married adults now make up less than one half of the population. Single adults are taking over the world. THEN it said that recent findings show that most single adults are not interested in finding a soulmate...ever. They're not just sitting around waiting for Mr. Right to come knocking at the door with his fancy horse. They are more politically active and have stronger personal networks. Holy moly macaroni - I'm no longer considered abnormal.
Okay, okay - I read the Boston Magazine article and the comments posted by random internet users. And it's safe to say the stereotype that we single ladies feel is still alive and thriving in some tiny little brains. I believe the word "spinster" was used by one anonymous poster. (Side note, if you're going to call someone a name, at least use yours). So while part of me is jumping up and down by the sheer number of single people in the country, the logical part of me still realizes that some think I'm going to grow old and lonely with 110 cats. I suppose that's why this blog has become (slightly) popular.
My favorite statistic? The single adult - listed as the highest number the US population has ever seen. Over 100 million of us. I guess that should make it easy to find a date (maybe I don't want a soulmate, but dinner would be nice).
The point is, I think the new statistics are just showing us that we're finally becoming comfortable with ourselves - married, single, gay, straight, or motley, we're finally happy not conforming to society's ideals. My mother used to tell stories of when she went to "college," which then was only for women who wanted to become nurses or teachers. You had no other option except to get married and not opt for a career at all. Those were society's ideals then - look how far we've come. We have all the opportunities in the world now, all the choices we could possibly make and the best choice we have is to accept ourselves for who we are in this moment.
Maybe the world is changing...one single girl at a time.
But then...HOORAY!
Quoting another article in Boston Magazine, I was almost giddy to read that the 2010 US Census statistics report that married adults now make up less than one half of the population. Single adults are taking over the world. THEN it said that recent findings show that most single adults are not interested in finding a soulmate...ever. They're not just sitting around waiting for Mr. Right to come knocking at the door with his fancy horse. They are more politically active and have stronger personal networks. Holy moly macaroni - I'm no longer considered abnormal.
Okay, okay - I read the Boston Magazine article and the comments posted by random internet users. And it's safe to say the stereotype that we single ladies feel is still alive and thriving in some tiny little brains. I believe the word "spinster" was used by one anonymous poster. (Side note, if you're going to call someone a name, at least use yours). So while part of me is jumping up and down by the sheer number of single people in the country, the logical part of me still realizes that some think I'm going to grow old and lonely with 110 cats. I suppose that's why this blog has become (slightly) popular.
My favorite statistic? The single adult - listed as the highest number the US population has ever seen. Over 100 million of us. I guess that should make it easy to find a date (maybe I don't want a soulmate, but dinner would be nice).
The point is, I think the new statistics are just showing us that we're finally becoming comfortable with ourselves - married, single, gay, straight, or motley, we're finally happy not conforming to society's ideals. My mother used to tell stories of when she went to "college," which then was only for women who wanted to become nurses or teachers. You had no other option except to get married and not opt for a career at all. Those were society's ideals then - look how far we've come. We have all the opportunities in the world now, all the choices we could possibly make and the best choice we have is to accept ourselves for who we are in this moment.
Maybe the world is changing...one single girl at a time.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Resolutions Shmezalutions
So the holidays have passed and everyone did their toast to 2012. Now comes the time when everyone wants to know what it is that you plan to change about yourself in the new year. Here's the rub - I don't make resolutions. You could blame my very short attention span, which takes the heat for most random things in my life. I know that within a week I'll actually get bored with whatever I planned to do and end up back where I started. You could say that I don't like to be a quitter - which is why I don't give things up for Lent either (my apologies to all those who contributed to my Catholic education). The truth is, I find comfort in familiarity. It's the reason I've stayed in apartments, situations, jobs and relationships WAY too long - much longer than I should have. I find change to be awkward and potentially terrifying.
It's an irony in my life. Some of the most beautiful moments I've ever experienced have come out of situations where I just said the heck with it and went for it. When I let go of fear and jumped in without stopping to think about what could potentially go wrong. When I ignored the Plan B/Plan C that I tend to make for everything. I've met amazing people, done incredible things, felt freer than ever before. I know all of this, but yet I still crave the comfort of being around the same people, places and things that I know so well.
These past few years, however, I've been on a bit of a personal path. Losing people that I loved dearly and finally getting out of a failed relationship (which popped up repeatedly) has forced me to look a little deeper at myself to make sure I'm not missing out on any more beautiful moments. I don't want to wake up tomorrow morning and realize that my desire for comfort (which, if we're being honest, is just fear of being hurt dressed up in a pretty outfit) kept me from experiencing life to its fullest. I don't want to stay around the same people, places and things and miss the opportunity to grow, especially if those same things are taking energy rather than giving it.
So this year, while I'm still not planning on making resolutions (no new gym goals for this one), I am going to offer myself a challenge - to step outside my comfort zone and finally release old habits. To take on new hobbies, meet new people, grow in my life and experience all of the ups, downs and around in circles I can possibly experience. Life is too short to surround yourself with people and situations that bring you down. One week in I think I'm already on the right path - but we'll see how long my attention span holds up.
Happy 2012 to all of you, and may this year be filled with opportunities for growth and beautiful moments.
It's an irony in my life. Some of the most beautiful moments I've ever experienced have come out of situations where I just said the heck with it and went for it. When I let go of fear and jumped in without stopping to think about what could potentially go wrong. When I ignored the Plan B/Plan C that I tend to make for everything. I've met amazing people, done incredible things, felt freer than ever before. I know all of this, but yet I still crave the comfort of being around the same people, places and things that I know so well.
These past few years, however, I've been on a bit of a personal path. Losing people that I loved dearly and finally getting out of a failed relationship (which popped up repeatedly) has forced me to look a little deeper at myself to make sure I'm not missing out on any more beautiful moments. I don't want to wake up tomorrow morning and realize that my desire for comfort (which, if we're being honest, is just fear of being hurt dressed up in a pretty outfit) kept me from experiencing life to its fullest. I don't want to stay around the same people, places and things and miss the opportunity to grow, especially if those same things are taking energy rather than giving it.
So this year, while I'm still not planning on making resolutions (no new gym goals for this one), I am going to offer myself a challenge - to step outside my comfort zone and finally release old habits. To take on new hobbies, meet new people, grow in my life and experience all of the ups, downs and around in circles I can possibly experience. Life is too short to surround yourself with people and situations that bring you down. One week in I think I'm already on the right path - but we'll see how long my attention span holds up.
Happy 2012 to all of you, and may this year be filled with opportunities for growth and beautiful moments.
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