Sabotage

So, Relationship Jen just hit her first speed bump. I think it was actually some form of Single Jen lying in the middle of commitment road. How's that for a visual?

I have this voice in my head. No, not the ones where only medication will quiet them, but ones who like to tell me that I'm not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, you name it. Sometimes that voice gets stuck on repeat and I find myself being lulled into accepting that to be true. I hit that place this past weekend. I found myself telling people not to get too excited about recent posts of a relationship because I wasn't sure things were going to work out.

I didn't realize at the time just how clearly I was sabotaging myself. It wasn't until I had a couple of conversations with a great friend (which weren't even about me) that I had the big aha moment. Instead of idly listening to the delusional voice in my head, I had to be strong enough to say what I wanted and know that I deserved it. I had to believe in myself, have some faith in me. And, after some thought, I realized I wanted Relationship Jen (and the relationship). So I had an amazing conversation with an amazing boyfriend, and suddenly the voice in my head quieted.

I'm fairly certain this stupid voice in my head will return at some point, but at least now I'm ready. Single Jen will not sabotage me again. And even if she tries, I know I have the people around me who can shut her up.

And since I know I didn't say it before, thank you to a phenomenal friend for the insight - I'm incredibly grateful to have you in my life.