Pity Party of 1

So I know that I write A LOT about strength and being comfortable with being single.  This is not going to be one of those blogs.  I just wanted to prepare you.

I've talked briefly about a health condition that I've been living with for the past couple of years.  After numerous trips to the neurologist we finally found something that could get the annoying symptoms under control.  However, during that visit, my doctor (who looks more like the wizard from Oz each time) looked me directly in the eye and informed me this was not a cure and that I needed to be prepared for the days when the symptoms would reappear, however brief.

And they did.  With a vengeance.  3 days into a 6 day symptom visit, I became so disoriented I actually fell over in the shower.  I ended up on the basin of the tub in tears - partly because I had just taken a nosedive into a shower shelf, but partly because I immediately had the realization that there was no one there to pick me up.  You know the phrase, "when it rains it pours"? Yep, that's what happened. Suddenly every single doubt that I had about my life, where I was - WHO I was, came pouring out in a mix of tears and profanity, the whole time just hanging out on the floor of the tub.  After some time indulging my pity party, I pulled myself back up, checking to make sure there were not cuts or bruises and continued on my day.  Needless to say, it was a rough day and I was about 37 seconds away from tears throughout most of it.

I have a tendency to get stuck sometimes - stuck in my head, stuck on my perceived (and sometimes exaggerated) faults.  I felt like a hypocrite - writing this blog about being okay with me and then losing it over a fall.  It took a little bit of time (okay, it took a few days and a number of incredible friends), but then I had the realization - just because you want someone to be there during the tough times that doesn't make you weak.  It doesn't change who you are at your core.  We all want people to be around us who can pick us up in the times that we fall.  There's absolutely, positively nothing wrong with that.

My point here is that nobody is perfect.  We all have moments when the voice in our head dials up the volume and starts mocking us in surround sound.  Moments when the fears and doubts slowly start to creep out of the dark corners we've shoved them into.  Show me a person who hasn't questioned their life at some point.  It's those gifts, the doubts, and the ability to fight back that keep us moving forward.  We get stuck, we get unstuck.  We get sucked into the "ideals" of the world around us, the thoughts of who we should be, and forget to pay attention to who we are.  I'm fairly certain this will not be my last pity party of my life, but I'm also certain that one fleeting moment on the bottom of a bathtub isn't going to define me.  I refuse to let it.

May you all have moments of hope today and in all days to follow.