I came across an entry by Scott Ginsburg entitled, "7 Things You Never Have to Do" and while I don't know the man I think he is, quite frankly, a genius and rapidly approaching the title of my favorite blogger. The entry is about our basic cores that should never be hidden or compromised. While the entire entry made an impact, it was #6 that really struck a chord - Love is never asking people to edit themselves.
Recently I went through some pretty rough days. Between the scans, the doctors, the drugs, the fatigue, the pain and all of the other fun stuff life throws at us I was on emotional thin ice. What I needed was a pint of Ben & Jerry's and 8 straight hours of The Notebook. What I got were well-intentioned acquaintances doing their own personal version of the "cheer up buttercup" dance. Everywhere I looked there was someone with the - it's all right, don't worry, everything will be okay. Life is as it should be.
Guess what? I'm pretty sure I want to give that generalized statement the finger. There have been moments in my life (as I am assuming in all of yours as well) where I refused to accept the idea that THIS was how life should be. Moments when it felt like the sky opened up and every single tidbit of poo rained down. And if by some off-chance I'm actually wrong, that was exactly how life should be, then perhaps the universe needs to rethink some of its plans.
I don't live in the darkness. While I fully admit that I've lost my way in there a few times, the majority of the time I rail, let go, and move back toward the sunshine. I believe that most people do. I honor the power of positive thinking. I've seen its impact on people who are dealing with incredible trauma. I've witnessed it first-hand when I woke up one morning relatively pain-free after a particularly great evening.
We are all free to feel any emotions - good, bad or ugly - without the fear of being criticized for a lack of positivity. How can we possibly enjoy the incredible warmth of the sunshine if we never allow ourselves to experience the bitter cold of darkness? How can we possibly understand true happiness without understanding its rival - complete despair? The good news about dark moments is that they eventually end....giving way to a new day, a new dawn. But we can't hide away from the nights and pretend they don't exist. That's the emotional equivalent of putting our hands over our ears and chanting, "nah nah nah I can't hear you!!" It didn't work when we were younger, it isn't going to work today.
Love is never asking people to edit themselves....and never feeling like you need to edit. In one particularly rough moment right after my mom died I had the greatest best friend walk up to me, put her arms out and say, "I know." That was it. That one moment in my life helped me heal more than any other words ever could. She didn't try to edit me, she listened and carried a bit of the pain for me. The "cheer up buttercup" dance, as well-intentioned as it is, destroys open and honest communication. We take our dark moments and hide them away (picture the nah nah nah thing here). When we truly love someone - the kind of love that has no conditions, no limits - we allow them to feel the good, the bad and the ugly. We stand there next to them in the darkness, hold their hand and wait for the sun to shine again.
So the next time you're standing there in the darkness, know that it will eventually end. But also know that it is that much less scary being there with someone who loves you. And when someone tries the whole "it'll be okay" thing with you, know that it's just fine to say that while it WILL be okay eventually, it isn't right now. And even that is okay.
http://www.openforum.com/articles/7-things-you-never-have-to-do?extlink=em-openf-SBdaily
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