Change of Plans

“If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.”

I’m a planner by nature.  Never been much of a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of girl.  Plans on Friday night?  Determined by Tuesday.  Growing up, I had my entire life planned out.  Obviously not down to specifics, but by the time I hit the end of my second year of undergrad I knew where I was headed.  I packed everything I owned into my car and moved my life out to California - partially to escape a past, partially to work on that plan (you know the one - marriage, babies, a white picket fence, the “true American dream”).  Within a year of settling here I had met the man of my dreams.  Even though he and I had our own share of ups and downs and moments when real life began to interfere, I was set on what the rest of my life was going to look like.

6 years ago today, the universe decided to change my plans.  No warnings, no “hey Jen, get ready for the chaos that’s about to ensue,” no nothing.  Just a change of plans in the form of a car accident.  It was as if the universe had taken every mental blueprint I made about my life, threw them up in the air, and the wind took hold and blew them all away.  Who was I without my plan?

Perhaps you've been confronted with your own life-altering moments - moments where you're completely lost and have no idea how you'll survive.  Perhaps you're in the middle of one right now.  Someone just recently asked me how I got through that moment in my life.  The truth is, I honestly have no idea.  I do know that I had amazing people surrounding me, people encouraging me to take one step forward.  Within 24 hours my mom had landed in California with a 1-way ticket in her hand, who put up with my craziness and even dealt with the moment that I threw my cell phone across my living room.  And that night I had class, the first night of a new session that I couldn’t miss for fear of being dropped, where I met the professor who became my unofficial hero - who will never truly know just how much he actually saved my life.

Without lectures, he taught me that I had a choice.  I had a choice to stay in class that night.  I had a choice to let my grief envelope me, which is honestly what I really wanted to do.  I had the choice to focus on the plans I had lost, instead of what I had gained. I had the choice to put one foot in front of the other and take the baby steps I needed to squash the chaos around me.  I had the choice to turn my loss into something positive - a way to honor this man I loved while working through the pain.  I had the choice to pick myself up, dust off my clothing, fix the rips in my knees and start to move forward instead of being stuck in the grief.  Don’t get me wrong - I would trade everything to never have been forced to make those choices in my life.  But I couldn’t change it.

Life is really just a series of choices.  We all get to the point where we’re knocked over, where the universe decides it’s time for a change of plans, where we can’t stop it.  We can choose to adapt to those changes or get lost inside them.  Our choices are what define us, give us strength, wipe us out, or offer hope.  We may not always make the right choice.  No one is perfect, and thus there will always be decisions that aren’t technically the best.  But we make them.  And then we make others.  The point is, all we can ever ask for is to choose the best option in any given situation - choosing to be the best version of ourselves and in the process, choosing to put one foot in front of the other.

May your choices today build you up and offer you hope, happiness, peace and love.

Friends Don't Let Friends #1

Friends don't let friends date good friends of friends.


I don’t have many rules when it comes to dating except for those concerning basic hygiene, no socks with sandals, and no sleeveless shirts on a first date (thanks to my friend Julie for this one), but this is one rule I’ve managed to stick with for quite some time.  I’ve learned, through experience, that the whole friends of friends thing can potentially cause some serious issues.  If it doesn’t work you end up dealing with the complete awkwardness when you’re at the same functions and then the phase of what I like to call “friend reallocation” - the time when others have to decide who they like better.  And with that comes the dissection of what went wrong.  I know this way of dating has worked for some people....I just have never been one of them.

So usually when I hear a good friend start to say something to the effect of, “I have this really great guy friend” I’m already 4 steps out the door before the end of the sentence.

But, in an effort to move this blog along, let me just tell you that I caved on my rule.  I decided to give it a whirl.  I decided to go out on a date with a "really good friend" of a really good friend.  While the date when just fine (He's a good guy and I’m fairly certain I could carry a conversation with a brick wall), by the end of the night we both realized it ended up fitting nicely into the “once and done” category.

So, that brings me back to the whole "friends of friends" dilemma.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must go prepare myself for the inevitable, “But why Jen? You guys would have been so PERFECT together...”

The Rant

“I don’t know Jennifer....it seems like it’s do or die time.”

I stood there dumbfounded, my mouth hanging open just slightly.  I was speechless and if you know me you know that happens very rarely.  Did I really just hear that?  I’m talking, of course, of the well-intentioned person who has once again decided that they hear my biological clocking ticking and need to remind me that I’m getting up there in age.  But seriously?  It’s so extreme that it’s do or die time?  Like the world is going to magically stop rotating if I wait too much longer to start the whole marriage, 2.5 kids, house, white picket fence and a dog idea?  I’m actually going to die of singlehood???

First - a disclaimer.  It’s not like I haven’t tried.  I have, repeatedly.  Some times with some good guys, some times with some I-should-have-never-dated-you-in-the-first-place kind of guys.  My choice now is quality over quantity.  But still, I continue to hear these statements.

Now, imagine for a brief second the possibility that those exact words were heard by someone struggling with infertility. What would that person think of these words - what kind of damage could they have caused?

Every single word we speak, and even the words we leave unspoken, carry incredible amounts of power.  One 6-minute phone call in the last few weeks knocked me over for days, simply because of things that were said (and not said) from someone who claims to care about me.

Everyone has a story, and usually we’re not privy to the full non-censored version.

So here’s my story - the deep dark secret that until now I’ve hid from the world.  While this health condition I’ve written about in past blogs is not always life-threatening, it is genetic.  And if it does appear in a newborn, however remote that possibility may be, it IS almost 100% fatal.  I’ve struggled for over a year with whether or not I even want to take that chance.  Right now I don't. And even if I did, how in the world do you ask someone else to take on that risk with you?  I've only had 2 men in my entire life that I would have ever thought I could - 1 that I did, and 1 that I will never get the chance to.

I tell you this not to induce pity.  In fact, that is the exact reason it has remained a secret for so long - that I never want anyone to look at me like that.  What I think sometimes we forget is that when we speak, no matter how innocent or well-intentioned our words may be, we misunderstand the impact they can make on someone else.  The “but you’re so pretty,” or “you’d make such a great mother,” "why aren't you married," or even “I can’t believe you’re single,” are merely just judgements in disguise of the I-want-you-to-be-happy hooey.  And without knowing someone's story, we run the risk of doing irreparable damage.  We run the risk of falling into society's expectations.  We run the risk of hurting others.  Words are powerful, and that power has to be respected.

May your words today heal, not hurt.

No Need to Worry

Homeless men love me.  That one sentence pretty much sums up the majority of men that hit on me.  I used to say that only young kids and old men ever did, but apparently that is no longer true.

I didn’t discover this particular phenomenon until a recent trip to San Francisco.  I’m quite certain I was hit on by every other homeless man who walked down the street.  One in particular did this to me:

<Walking toward me> “Damn girl, hold on” <Puts one finger up, does a complete circle around me on the street> “Yeah girl, you’re fine.”

I had to give him credit - it was the best pickup line I’ve ever heard in my entire life.  And as crazy as this sounds, I found myself thinking - If only we had somewhere to go....

I had convinced myself this was strictly a SF occurrence.  I believe my hypothesis has been proved wrong once again.  There is a guy in Escondido who hangs out near the 7-eleven by my home, and the workers there call this guy “menacing.”  They call EPD regularly and tell them he is harassing the patrons.  I’ve never been harassed, unless you count the occasional “Hey can you buy me a soda?”  Being a single female, I can give you the definition of harassment.  This guy is not it.  I mean, he’s like 8 feet tall and doesn’t ever wear a shirt, but he’s never come across as menacing to me.

Anyway, this last 7-eleven run proved to be interesting.  I think he knows now what my car looks like.  As I made my way out of the store he was walking toward me.  I figured he’d ask for money or something so I mentally tried to figure out how much cash I had on me at the time.  Instead, this is what I got - “Hey, I just wanted to tell you that I think you’re beautiful.  Have a good day, and I hope I see you around.”

See people, no need to worry - I can get a date.

Chronic Pain: Lessons from the Trenches

Normally, we don’t take the time to reflect on our lives except during or immediately following a crisis.  We regroup, reevaluate and re-prioritize.  But then, once the crisis subsides we return to our everyday routine and reflections take a back seat to the day to day.  And little by little, the lessons we learned about life and about ourselves disappear.  Even I’m guilty.

Without boring you with too many details, let me just tell you that I have a health condition that has brought with it chronic pain for years.  In 2009 I ended up in the emergency room only to be told that it was simply anxiety.  See a therapist and I’d be fine.  Last year, finally, one fantastic PA looked me in the eye and said, “We’re not stopping until every rock is turned over.  We’ll figure it out.”  After a number of tests and the dreaded scan of my head, he found it - an actual medical diagnosis, a name to what was happening.  The whole process was a tad bit scarier than I’d like to admit.  Going through it alone (read: I’m single) was difficult in itself.  Most of the symptoms are just embarrassing, like balance and speech issues or forgetting to turn the oven off 3 hours after making dinner, but the chronic pain is what forces the almost daily reflections on my life.  But I’m a firm believer that every single thing in life presents a teachable moment if we just take the time to listen.

While I completely understand that some of you will not relate to the illness portion of this post (and I truly wish that no one on the face of this earth EVER had to), it is my hope that you can relate based on circumstances within your own life and have developed your own “what this crisis has taught me”.  Here’s some of what chronic pain (my own personal crisis) has taught me:

1. I am stronger than I ever believed imaginable.
2. Life is never guaranteed and should never be taken for granted.
3. The truest people in your life will stick through you and the crisis, and life is too short to spend time on people who are a waste of your space.
4. Seriously, life doesn’t need to be lived seriously.
5. All the pain meds (or any other numbness-inducing item) can’t even remotely compare to a great night with great friends and lots of laughter.
6. Plans are great, but flexibility is key.
7. It will never, ever, ever be helpful (or end the pain) to listen to the negative little voice in your head (although I still do at times).
8. You do not need to suffer alone in silence.  There are people who want to know your life (the good and bad).  The more you talk, the more people can help you carry your burdens.  Letting people in is not a weakness.

My mother shared once that her cancer made her, ironically, freer.  She no longer worried about the little things, what people thought of her or the negativity in life.  So powerful - the idea that a crisis gives us the courage to be nice to ourselves.  Too many times we focus on our faults, until the crisis subsides and we see that we really are wonderful and amazing.  I implore each of you to take the time today to focus on your strengths - what you already know, who you already are - and silence the negative voice in your head.

“You and me, Know what it’s like, To be kicked down, Forced to fight
But tonight, We’re alright, So hold up your light, Let it shine”

"Mistakes"

There’s a country song out there - it goes like this: “It’s a quarter after 1, I’m all alone and I need you now.  Said I wouldn’t call but I lost all control and I need you now.”  No truer words have ever been spoken about someone who is lonely....

Hey, I like single Jen.  I’m confident but I’m not superwoman.  I have moments where the confidence starts to evaporate and the loneliness sinks in.  And in those moments I’ve done some pretty not-so-intelligent things.

You know what I mean (hopefully?) - you’ve had a rough patch, you’re feeling lonely, you would like to have the comforting arms of a stranger (or someone who isn’t a stranger).  And since it’s safer to call someone you know, you make the one phone call you should NEVER EVER EVER make.  

Cue the return of the ex.

It works - the distraction makes the loneliness disappear, at least for a little while.

You wake up the next morning with the “Holy wow, what have I done?” soundtrack blaring from the boombox inside your head.  For those of you who haven’t had the pleasure of listening to that piece of musical genius, it includes tracks such as, “What the #@*% was I thinking?” “What is wrong with me?” and my personal favorite, “The biggest idiot in the universe.”  A soulful blend of regret and satisfaction all wrapped up into one nice album, nicely set on repeat by default.

And then, immediately following the mental beat down, the other thoughts start rushing in - what does this mean?  Why am I spending so much time thinking about him? Did I really believe everything he said? Are we going to get back together?  Who wants that?

Answer: No one.  Ex’s are ex’s for a reason.  However.....in those moments of loneliness, when the heart is craving something, sometimes you do stupid things.  And, more than likely, I will continue to do so.

The good news is the mental beatdown only lasts as long as I let it.  So I’ve made mistakes.  Show me the person who hasn’t and I’ll show you a person who hasn’t truly lived. The point of this long-winded story is that we all experience (or have experienced) these crazy “mistakes” some time in our lifetime.  We can only truly call them “mistakes” if we refuse to learn something from them.  Now, can anyone tell me WHAT I learned from this.....    

The List

So, despite my best efforts to dissuade them there are still people who believe that I "need" a man and that it is their mission to make this happen.  Let me start with this disclaimer - I do not write this blog as a covert cry for help.  I write because I want to give a voice to the thoughts and beliefs that seem to permeate society's view of the single female.  A great friend told me once that people don't want to read about such honesty - this is my movement to change that.

However, because there are still those well-intentioned people in my life, I have created a list.

In order to qualify to be my next potential-ex-boyfriend, a guy must meet (at least) 80% of the following criteria:

• Be single.  I know this seems like it should go without saying, but alas it doesn't.
• Be employed.  There is a reason I don't have children yet.  I have had multiple offers of donations but the truth is I just don't want, at this point in my life, to take care of someone else.  This DOUBLY applies to grown men.
• Be able to make me laugh.  I deal with illness, trauma, and death on a daily basis.  Be my break.
• Be a bottom-of-the-toothpaste-tube-squisher.  I am a middle-of-the-tube squisher, and let me tell you there is nothing sweeter than going to brush your teeth and seeing someone has squished a giant blob just for you.  It's the little things that matter.
• Accept me for who I am, not who he wants me to be.  I once had a boyfriend who decided that, while he "loved" me, there were just a few things that needed improvement - my hair, makeup and clothing.  Guess what?  I like me, and if you don't, you can just shove off.
• Have moments where it's okay to be a big-little kid.  I love jumping in puddles and dancing in the rain.  I do serious only when I have to.  
• Be able to hold an intelligent conversation.  (This only applies to relationships, not flings) I'm a born debater.  There is no bigger turn-off that someone who gives up easily.  Besides, I can't learn anything new if I'm always around people who agree with me.
• Have a passion for helping people, not just making money.  I work in the social service field. Enough said.
• Have larger calf muscles than me.  I know this one seems weird, but it was a piece of advice from my mother.  I only forgot it once and I've regretted that ever since.
• Never make me choose.  I don't do ultimatums.  I've been known to drop everything and take off at the first sight of one.  Don't test me, you'll lose. Every time.  And never, ever, ever use the "If you love me" line.  That one makes me throw up just a little in my mouth.
• Be understanding.

So that's my list.  It's not that I'm picky (okay, maybe just a little), it's that I've gotten to the point in my life where I now refuse to settle.  I've been in too many relationships, too many friendships, too many situations where I honestly believed I needed to change in order to make someone else happy.  I am not half of a whole.

For all of the single women AND the women who are in relationships they shouldn't be in, I encourage you to develop your own list.  And then send it to me so I can add to mine. Stick to your list and never settle. Despite what we see everywhere in today's society - romantic movies, advertisements, every other country song ever released - we do not have to be in some head-over-heels relationship to be happy.  We just need to know who we are, what we want, and how to be authentic to ourselves.  You are perfect, just the way you are.  And in the shrewd words of Lil Wayne, "I just want you to know that you deserve the best.  You're beautiful."