The List

So, despite my best efforts to dissuade them there are still people who believe that I "need" a man and that it is their mission to make this happen.  Let me start with this disclaimer - I do not write this blog as a covert cry for help.  I write because I want to give a voice to the thoughts and beliefs that seem to permeate society's view of the single female.  A great friend told me once that people don't want to read about such honesty - this is my movement to change that.

However, because there are still those well-intentioned people in my life, I have created a list.

In order to qualify to be my next potential-ex-boyfriend, a guy must meet (at least) 80% of the following criteria:

• Be single.  I know this seems like it should go without saying, but alas it doesn't.
• Be employed.  There is a reason I don't have children yet.  I have had multiple offers of donations but the truth is I just don't want, at this point in my life, to take care of someone else.  This DOUBLY applies to grown men.
• Be able to make me laugh.  I deal with illness, trauma, and death on a daily basis.  Be my break.
• Be a bottom-of-the-toothpaste-tube-squisher.  I am a middle-of-the-tube squisher, and let me tell you there is nothing sweeter than going to brush your teeth and seeing someone has squished a giant blob just for you.  It's the little things that matter.
• Accept me for who I am, not who he wants me to be.  I once had a boyfriend who decided that, while he "loved" me, there were just a few things that needed improvement - my hair, makeup and clothing.  Guess what?  I like me, and if you don't, you can just shove off.
• Have moments where it's okay to be a big-little kid.  I love jumping in puddles and dancing in the rain.  I do serious only when I have to.  
• Be able to hold an intelligent conversation.  (This only applies to relationships, not flings) I'm a born debater.  There is no bigger turn-off that someone who gives up easily.  Besides, I can't learn anything new if I'm always around people who agree with me.
• Have a passion for helping people, not just making money.  I work in the social service field. Enough said.
• Have larger calf muscles than me.  I know this one seems weird, but it was a piece of advice from my mother.  I only forgot it once and I've regretted that ever since.
• Never make me choose.  I don't do ultimatums.  I've been known to drop everything and take off at the first sight of one.  Don't test me, you'll lose. Every time.  And never, ever, ever use the "If you love me" line.  That one makes me throw up just a little in my mouth.
• Be understanding.

So that's my list.  It's not that I'm picky (okay, maybe just a little), it's that I've gotten to the point in my life where I now refuse to settle.  I've been in too many relationships, too many friendships, too many situations where I honestly believed I needed to change in order to make someone else happy.  I am not half of a whole.

For all of the single women AND the women who are in relationships they shouldn't be in, I encourage you to develop your own list.  And then send it to me so I can add to mine. Stick to your list and never settle. Despite what we see everywhere in today's society - romantic movies, advertisements, every other country song ever released - we do not have to be in some head-over-heels relationship to be happy.  We just need to know who we are, what we want, and how to be authentic to ourselves.  You are perfect, just the way you are.  And in the shrewd words of Lil Wayne, "I just want you to know that you deserve the best.  You're beautiful."