The Rant

“I don’t know Jennifer....it seems like it’s do or die time.”

I stood there dumbfounded, my mouth hanging open just slightly.  I was speechless and if you know me you know that happens very rarely.  Did I really just hear that?  I’m talking, of course, of the well-intentioned person who has once again decided that they hear my biological clocking ticking and need to remind me that I’m getting up there in age.  But seriously?  It’s so extreme that it’s do or die time?  Like the world is going to magically stop rotating if I wait too much longer to start the whole marriage, 2.5 kids, house, white picket fence and a dog idea?  I’m actually going to die of singlehood???

First - a disclaimer.  It’s not like I haven’t tried.  I have, repeatedly.  Some times with some good guys, some times with some I-should-have-never-dated-you-in-the-first-place kind of guys.  My choice now is quality over quantity.  But still, I continue to hear these statements.

Now, imagine for a brief second the possibility that those exact words were heard by someone struggling with infertility. What would that person think of these words - what kind of damage could they have caused?

Every single word we speak, and even the words we leave unspoken, carry incredible amounts of power.  One 6-minute phone call in the last few weeks knocked me over for days, simply because of things that were said (and not said) from someone who claims to care about me.

Everyone has a story, and usually we’re not privy to the full non-censored version.

So here’s my story - the deep dark secret that until now I’ve hid from the world.  While this health condition I’ve written about in past blogs is not always life-threatening, it is genetic.  And if it does appear in a newborn, however remote that possibility may be, it IS almost 100% fatal.  I’ve struggled for over a year with whether or not I even want to take that chance.  Right now I don't. And even if I did, how in the world do you ask someone else to take on that risk with you?  I've only had 2 men in my entire life that I would have ever thought I could - 1 that I did, and 1 that I will never get the chance to.

I tell you this not to induce pity.  In fact, that is the exact reason it has remained a secret for so long - that I never want anyone to look at me like that.  What I think sometimes we forget is that when we speak, no matter how innocent or well-intentioned our words may be, we misunderstand the impact they can make on someone else.  The “but you’re so pretty,” or “you’d make such a great mother,” "why aren't you married," or even “I can’t believe you’re single,” are merely just judgements in disguise of the I-want-you-to-be-happy hooey.  And without knowing someone's story, we run the risk of doing irreparable damage.  We run the risk of falling into society's expectations.  We run the risk of hurting others.  Words are powerful, and that power has to be respected.

May your words today heal, not hurt.