Fight, Flight or Live

My entire life I’ve vacillated between fight or flight.  I’ve fought through some pretty intense things - abuse (including one particularly vicious boyfriend, but that’s a story for a different day), an eating disorder, issues with drugs and alcohol, disease, death and one extremely dark moment when I tried to drive my car into a tree.  I’ve fought - and come out on the other side.  But even as I sit and reflect on the stories on my life, the challenges and obstacles I’ve overcome, I can’t help but have certain moments, certain people in my life who make me feel like I just don’t measure up.  I have one that doesn’t even live in the state.  Imagine the irony of someone who can knock you off your feet long-distance.  And it is in those moments, moments when the little voice in your head starts to tell you that you’re just not good enough, that the urge to run begins to rise in the back of my throat.  Someone once told me that they know something is wrong with me when I shut down.  I’ve done it before - I ran 14 years ago, again 2 years later, and again just one short year from today.  And recently, that pesky flight mechanism kicked in again.

What triggered the run, Jen, run? I had a bit of a freak out yesterday with a friend.  It was completely misplaced, and actually had nothing to do with this friend. Crazy party of 1? Your table is ready.  I was feeling vulnerable about a few other things going on in my life, including this trip back to the homeland and instead of dealing with those issues as they arose I stuffed them (I’m a fantastic stuffer).  Suddenly, those vulnerabilities just apparently came ripping out of me. The urge to run was so strong I could taste it.  Thankfully I chose the absolute right person to freak out on (if there is such a thing), someone who listened without judging (or calling me crazy by the way).  I’m grateful for those people in my life - people who accept me for who I am, strengths and faults combined, for those are the people who truly help you quiet your mind and open your heart.

I overanalyze things.  It’s who I am.  And as I calmed down from my “AHHHHH!” moment, not to mention repeated “OMG, did I really just do that?” moments, I had the realization - yes, this IS who I am.  All of my life experiences, everything I’ve done and everything that has been done to me has made me who I am.  I like me, I am proud of me.  I am smart, strong, beautiful and perfect just the way I am. I measure up to the only one person that really counts - me.   The truth is, no one can ever make us feel anything other than how we let them makes us feel.  Life is too short to get sucked in by the little voices in our heads that tell us we’re not good enough.  And if by chance you actually meet someone who finds it necessary to tell you or show you that you aren’t, kindly escort them to the exit door of your world.  People who cannot handle the freakouts in life don’t deserve to share in your bliss.  Breathe in every moment, learn to think less and be more.  Stop running and live, and you will find that the right people have been there all along.

May you each find moments today of hope, happiness, peace and love.