Loving, Losing and Life's Reminders

I have a confession - I don't like to lose. Now, most of you reading this just let out some version of a snort and a "no way, really?" but that distaste extends to most areas of my life.

I've been to more funerals in the last 6 months than most people go to in years.  I've had to fly home twice in 3 years just to attend one. I'm kind of done with funerals. And those are just the losses that had some concrete service to attend. There have been others...

I've always lived by the philosophy that it's better to feel something than nothing at all. Giving up the losses in my life would mean that I have to also give up the love I received from each of those people. And there is nothing in this world that would make me want that.

But recently I'd gotten to the point where I was in a bit of an emotional crisis. I'd opened my heart and I'm fairly certain it was attacked with a potato masher. Couple that with the multiple losses in a few short weeks (including a recent loss of a very dear friendship) and you have one emotionally-spent Jen. I shut down. It was if my heart finally said, "Enough. I've got nothing left to give. There's nothing left in here to break." Some unconscious part of me realized that if I didn't open my heart again, there would be no risk of loss. That was it, I was done.

It was time for some mind-numbing therapeutic entertainment. I sat down and threw in "The Sweetest Thing." Yes, I know that technically it's a romantic comedy, but the penis song alone is worthy of some laughs. That was what I needed, to escape my own brain for a short moment in time.

And then a crazy thing happened. Life offered me a reminder. There's a scene near the end where Cameron Diaz is leaning against a door repeating, "I will not be afraid." That one line spoke to my core. Here I was, being afraid of hurting. So, if it's good enough for Cameron Diaz, it's good enough for me.

I realized in that moment I couldn't be afraid of opening my heart. I wouldn't give up the moments I had in my past with the people I loved, why would I give up future ones? It's one of life's greatest ironies - you can't have one without the other. You can't have absolute bliss and happiness without risking heartbreak. It's bound to happen sooner or later. You can't experience the love of others if you don't offer love in return.

So for this holiday season, my present to me is the gift of no fear. Feeling something rather than nothing at all. Of course, if I had my way 2012 would be filled with nothing but positive feelings. I am, however, braced for anything that the universe may throw at me.

May you all find love (however you define it) and happiness this holiday season.