It's been quite some time since I posted to this blog...apparently I'm not very good at the whole blogging thing, but since I got such good feedback from the first couple of posts I've decided to give it a whirl again.
Every year right around this time, as I move closer and closer to another birthday in the books, I start to get a little sentimental and reflect back on my life - where I've been, who I am, and where I'm going. Because this whole thing is about my journey through singlehood that's where I'll focus my energy tonight...
I have commitment issues. Let's face it, there are plenty of times when having a man around would come in handy - like when the trash needs to get to the dumpster or when I can't open a jar. However, I've gotten very good at pounding that jar on the countertop in just the right way. I've adapted. But I wasn't always like this. 11 years ago this month I met the greatest man I've ever known. He was kind, gentle, the best friend anyone could have ever asked for. I was safe for the first time in my life. I opened up, poured out my heart, gave everything I had. He never once took me for granted, and never once did he use anything I told him against me. Of course, based on my fantastic history I frequently questioned whether I was good enough for him - but he never did. And he never let me believe that I wasn't. I had it all.
Unfortunately, life got in our way. And then, much too soon, a tragic accident threw my entire world upside-down. Reflecting back, I suppose this was the beginning of my downward spiral with commitment issues. My dating life, from that point on, became a comedy of errors. I stayed in bad relationships too long, picked the completely wrong men, made stupid choices. I allowed myself to be mistreated, used, and broken. One day, during a pretty vicious mental attack on myself I said this - "You had the best once and you lost it. That's all there is." I'd been living in that grief, thinking that I wasn't allowed to be happy again, to love again, because I had let life interfere. I'd been punishing myself for something that wasn't anywhere near logical. But simply having that realization and doing something about it are two completely different things.
The truth is I hate dating. If you look back at my adventures in dating there's one clear pattern - I've never dated anyone I haven't already known as a friend. Perhaps that's my way of cutting through the BS before jumping in the dating pool. Perhaps it's because first dates annoy me. Perhaps that's simply because I feel much safer in a relationship with someone who already knows me. Or perhaps, at the quietest moments of life, I'm still punishing myself.
This past week I taught a class on moving forward on your journey through grief. The basic premise of the entire class was this - "Make a commitment to yourself....and then get out of your own way." An hour and a half later, I had the class on board with that one point. But was I on board with it? I had a 30 minute drive back to the office to reflect on that - and decided I needed to start following my own (very good) advice. So that day, Tuesday, I made the commitment to get out of my own way. While I'm only beginning that journey, I think I have started off fairly well....
So that's my advice. It may not speak to you at all, or it may be something that starts a internal debate. Either way, it will continue to be my own mantra. My final thought for the night is to share the lyrics of John Mayer's song....time to stop punishing yourself and get out of your own way.
"Say"
Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations
Say what you need to say
Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead,
If you could only . . .
Say what you need to say
Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You'd better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Then never say what you need to say again
Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open
Say what you need to say
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