In Not So Many Words

Recently we received some great news that we were expecting another little one in the family. Being the opportunist that I am, I took this as a chance to once again try to convince my father that there would be no babies from his youngest anytime in the near future - if ever. I had my argument planned out before the phone call. Please read on to see how the conversation went (and note this is the abbreviated version so please don't get offended):

Me: "So, you got the text?"
Dad: "Yep, another little one."
Me: "It's great for them..." (I think I may have stressed THEM as a precursor)
Dad: "Yep, they wanted another one."
Me: "I'm happy for them - they can keep having babies. Not me."
Dad: "Good. I've been trying to tell all of you that you shouldn't even have kids. They're too expensive."

Umm...huh? I think I actually got silent at that point in the conversation. Up until recently, my father was trying to marry me off (I stopped mentioning names of guys I went out with) and seemed to be expecting that I would be expecting. My silence gave him the chance to go off on a rant about how much money it cost to raise a child until he/she was 18. Then he said the best thing ever:

Dad: "Save your money for a new car. With what you'll be getting paid for the rest of your life you're gonna need all the cash you can get."

So call me crazy - but I'm fairly certain that I just heard my father tell me that he accepted who I was and was proud of the person I was becoming. There are no words to adequately describe the feeling that washed over me in that exact moment. Who knew the one thing I'd been searching for within myself could be validated and uncovered by hearing someone else make that acknowledgement? The one person (other than my mother) who was so completely invested in me as a person had just given me the most precious gift. A moment I'll treasure, even if it came in a roundabout way.

My hope is that each of you today receive that gift of acceptance and acknowledgement from those you love - and that you continue to spread that gift. All it takes is one person to give us the faith we need to begin to believe in ourselves. Even if it's in not so many words...

Do we have to talk about it?

Okay, here's today's blog disclaimer:  Yes, I am a therapist.  I spend the majority of my professional days helping people discuss difficult topics.  However, when it comes to my personal life I very rarely go there except with a handful of people.  Hence the title of this post.  And yes, I fully comprehend the irony of a therapist that doesn't want to talk about it.  So now that you've read the disclaimer, we'll continue with the story.

A week or so back I was on the phone with my dad as I was getting ready to head out the door for dinner with a friend.  When he found out where I was headed and with whom, my father broached a subject I was illogically hoping to avoid.  No, not marriage and not babies.  I think I would have preferred that conversation. In my head I knew it had to happen eventually, but I was so happy living in blissful ignorance that I had managed to convince myself that perhaps my heart would never have to hear it.  So what was it that ever-so-slightly freaked me out?

My dad wants to start dating.

Next month we'll hit the 3 year anniversary of losing my mother.  Since that moment, my dad has been attempting to redefine his life without her.  He started going out to different restaurants, but sits at the bar and converses with the bartenders and the "regulars."  On that phone call a few weeks back he said something that ripped open my heart - that he hasn't sat at a table in a restaurant with a woman for a very long time.  Even when I was there we sat at the bar - although that's not even close to what he was saying.

I'll admit it - my heart did a flip flop.  I'm knocking on the door of 33 and all I've ever known was my mom and my dad.  Together.  No one else.  Now there may be a chance of someone else?  Uh oh, I think I may have just been chucked into adulthood.  Luckily for me someone out there created a mute button and I just happened to have a friend standing steps away.  I muted the phone and told him what had just happened.  Being the only voice of reason in that moment he said the one thing I needed to hear - "Isn't that a good thing?  All you've wanted for the past 3 years was for him to be happy.  This is what he needs to be happy. This isn't about you."

That was the ultimate truth.  Despite my feelings about losing my mom and the potential for some other person to come into our lives, all I've be wishing for, all I've been hoping for is for my dad to be happy.  The past 3 years have been rough....and if this is what he needs....it may not be easy for me, but it's not really about me is it?

So what did I say to him, to the man who has been trying to recreate his life in the last 3 years?  I said the same thing I would say to anyone starting a new chapter of their lives - "Give it a whirl, what's the worst that could happen?"

That's the lesson here - moving on to a new chapter may be difficult.  There will definitely be people out there with opinions on what you should or shouldn't do.  But the ultimate truth is that it isn't about them - so go ahead and give it a whirl.  You'll never know what's waiting for you if you don't.

What Do You Want?

This is going to be a short one.

I recently had the pleasure of listening to a pretty phenomenal speaker - Michael Bungay Stanier - who had the uncanny ability to pull me in.  I've told you previously that my attention span rivals that of a gnat, so for anyone to grab my attention and hold it with such intense passion I'm always impressed.  For those of you who haven't heard of him, he has written a book "Do Less Good Work. Do More GREAT work".  The premise is that we all spend the majority of our time just getting by - doing what we need to do.  I just received an email that resonated that I wanted to share, especially since it came almost immediately after posting my last blog.  I hope you enjoy.

<Taken from "Great Work Kickstarter #4 - Where are you stuck?">

It's hard to do Great Work when you're feeling stuck.
Stuck shows up differently for each of us.
For some it's having a dream but not knowing how to get it.
For others, it's not having a dream and feeling empty.
It can be waiting for your superhero to show (and they're taking their time)
Or it can be feeling responsible for everyone - and feeling exhausted.
However you get stuck - and we all get stuck from time to time, it's part of being human - it has this at its essence:
You only have one way to see the situation...and you don't like what you see.
So where are you feeling stuck right now?
Not sure? Here are some clues...
   Where do you feel in a rut?
   Where do you feel lots of "shoulds" and "musts"
   Where do you feel there is no choice?
   What makes you grit your teeth in frustration?
   What are you tolerating?

Are you starting to see where you might be stuck?

***
For me, this was a powerful message.  I hope it carried some power for you as well.

Michael Bungay Stanier can be found at www.BoxofCrayons.biz - sign up for the Great Work Kickstarters!!

Pity Party of 1

So I know that I write A LOT about strength and being comfortable with being single.  This is not going to be one of those blogs.  I just wanted to prepare you.

I've talked briefly about a health condition that I've been living with for the past couple of years.  After numerous trips to the neurologist we finally found something that could get the annoying symptoms under control.  However, during that visit, my doctor (who looks more like the wizard from Oz each time) looked me directly in the eye and informed me this was not a cure and that I needed to be prepared for the days when the symptoms would reappear, however brief.

And they did.  With a vengeance.  3 days into a 6 day symptom visit, I became so disoriented I actually fell over in the shower.  I ended up on the basin of the tub in tears - partly because I had just taken a nosedive into a shower shelf, but partly because I immediately had the realization that there was no one there to pick me up.  You know the phrase, "when it rains it pours"? Yep, that's what happened. Suddenly every single doubt that I had about my life, where I was - WHO I was, came pouring out in a mix of tears and profanity, the whole time just hanging out on the floor of the tub.  After some time indulging my pity party, I pulled myself back up, checking to make sure there were not cuts or bruises and continued on my day.  Needless to say, it was a rough day and I was about 37 seconds away from tears throughout most of it.

I have a tendency to get stuck sometimes - stuck in my head, stuck on my perceived (and sometimes exaggerated) faults.  I felt like a hypocrite - writing this blog about being okay with me and then losing it over a fall.  It took a little bit of time (okay, it took a few days and a number of incredible friends), but then I had the realization - just because you want someone to be there during the tough times that doesn't make you weak.  It doesn't change who you are at your core.  We all want people to be around us who can pick us up in the times that we fall.  There's absolutely, positively nothing wrong with that.

My point here is that nobody is perfect.  We all have moments when the voice in our head dials up the volume and starts mocking us in surround sound.  Moments when the fears and doubts slowly start to creep out of the dark corners we've shoved them into.  Show me a person who hasn't questioned their life at some point.  It's those gifts, the doubts, and the ability to fight back that keep us moving forward.  We get stuck, we get unstuck.  We get sucked into the "ideals" of the world around us, the thoughts of who we should be, and forget to pay attention to who we are.  I'm fairly certain this will not be my last pity party of my life, but I'm also certain that one fleeting moment on the bottom of a bathtub isn't going to define me.  I refuse to let it.

May you all have moments of hope today and in all days to follow.

Another One Bites the Dust

You may recall a few blog entries back I mentioned a guy I met on a plane during my last-minute trip back to Ohio. He and I were seated next to each other on a teeny tiny puddle jumper headed from Cleveland to Minneapolis and as he sat down he warned me that he hadn't been on a plane since he was a kid. Being the ever-therapist that I am, I jumped in on that and we spent the next 2 short hours in constant conversation.  I learned quite a bit about him in that time - he even invited me out to his holiday party - and we exchanged information with the plans of keeping in touch and meeting up again at some point when I was back in Ohio for Christmas.  Airplane Guy (note: names have been changed in this story to protect the innocent) was a really nice guy, super cute, quite intelligent, had an interesting career (he flies all over creation), and genuinely seemed interested in me.  We started an email exchange within days of our meeting.

I know what you're thinking...I'll tell you what happened.

Christmas came and unfortunately his work sent him out to Daytona Beach the week I spent in Ohio.  We continued to exchange emails thinking we would meet up at some point, somewhere down the line (remember, he flies all over creation for work).

Okay, so here it is.  Ask any of my really good friends and they will tell you that I'm horrible at keeping in contact if you're not actually in my face on a daily basis. I have the best friend ever who, even after 17 years of friendship, still sounds absolutely shocked when I answer the phone or return a call.  I'm constantly moving, can't sit still for long periods of time and always have to have something to occupy me.  Phone calls longer than 5 minutes do me in.  Especially with a smartphone.  With some people (no one reading this blog of course), I speakerphone them and multi-task.  I know it's horrible...and not very friend-like but don't judge me - I have the attention span of a gnat.  Perhaps this is my issue with relationships...or one of them at least.

Emails are even harder.  I check my email a bazillion times a day, but if I don't respond immediately I actually forget to respond at all.  And this is what has happened with Airplane Guy.  I was, believe it or not, interested in this guy - but I just looked through my emails and realized I haven't responded in 2 weeks.  What exactly is the cut-off for that? Anyone? I'm not even sure it's okay to reply this far down the road, but I know I can't possibly be the only one facing this particular dilemma.  For crying out loud, someone needs to write a book on social media/social network relationships.  Technology is making this a little too difficult for me.

Or maybe, just maybe, this is my subconscious telling me something...

Either way, I think I just chalked up another casualty.

What Are We Waiting For?

There's a new app that's gaining some notoriety within a few of my circles - the "If I Die" app being promoted through Facebook.  The premise is simple: people have the opportunity to create a video or text message of whatever they want to be released by loved ones they trust upon their death.  Part of me is encouraged by the release of this application as it will get an entire new generation to start thinking about what could potentially happen, that life is never promised.  I watched the entire marketing video on the "If I Die" website and couldn't help thinking that no matter how intriguing it is....what would the world be like if we all did this now?

What if everyone let down their guard, ignored the fears and doubts and said everything they needed to say to everyone they needed to say it to?  If we all took a moment today to tell people what they meant to us, to use the words "I love you"?  If we let go of anger and bitterness and forgave those we cared about so deeply?  If we said "I'm sorry" to those we've hurt?  If we thanked the people in our lives who left the footprints on our hearts?  What would this do for our lives?  For the world?

Most of you know that by the time the plane touched down in Ohio three years ago, my mother was already on a ventilator, not consciously aware of her surroundings.  I have so many regrets from that moment in my life - things I never had the chance to say one last time, things she never got to hear.  Between you, me and the cyber-walls, this is something I never ever want to repeat.

So, then the question becomes - What are we waiting for?

May you all find the words that need to be spoken today...

Thank You

I have my first dissenter. I suppose part of me is more surprised that it took this long. After all, I tend to put my thoughts down on cyber-paper for everyone to read and judge and there's usually at least one person in the world who disagrees with you. Up until now I've received positive reviews of things that I've written, messages from women who can relate to the overall message of the blog. Both married AND single I might add.  Apparently, though, not everyone is as excited about my personal thoughts as I am.

According to this recent dissenter, I'm simply biding my time as a single person until I can meet a man.  I guess this person thinks I'm sitting at home in my old holey granny panties sulking over my relationship status and using the blog as a cry for help.  I believe the word hypocrite was used.  There were lots of other colorful things, but I'll spare you those details.

Here's the thing - if you know me, you know that I like when people disagree with me.  I actually still have the trophy from a winning debate in undergrad.  I appreciate a well thought-out, respectful banter of sharing of opinions.  How can you learn if you aren't willing to have those conversations and actually hear what the other person is saying?  I do not, however, appreciate any sort of name calling.

Also, let me reiterate here - I'm not biding my time for anything.  I actually like me.  I like who I am in this particular moment - how I feel, what I think, what I put down on cyber-paper.  I go out, have "romantic" encounters, have fun and lots of laughs.  That's not to say that my feelings about relationships may not change somewhere down the line.  Why in the crazy world would I ever want to become static?  I've had great ones, I'm sure there's another out there.  But no one ever said you have to determine who you are by the time you hit your 30s. Or 40s. Or 50s. Or any other time in your life.  Or because someone else has decided you should.  We're all on a personal journey - it's impossible not to be if you're alive.  The key is to not get so set in your beliefs that you miss opportunities.

I completely understand (and still disagree with) the stereotype.  I've accepted it.  Oh, and dear dissenter, this isn't the first time I've heard that criticism.  This isn't even the first time I've heard it this weekend.  In fact, I think I may have heard a nicer version of it this morning.

So...thank you to all of the readers who still continue to be yourself despite the dissenters.  We are all strong, beautiful and amazing - no matter what other people may say.