So we've established that I'm single again - I think I may have actually been single-ISH before being single. Confusing, I know, but what else would you expect from me?
I've come to the conclusion that I'm slightly too easy-going in my relationships. I put up with a lot. A lot more than most of my friends think I should (just ask them). And I'm WAY too forgiving and understanding. This past weekend I realized, through a series of events (that we won't talk about in this particular blog session - none of you has that much available time for reading), that sometimes you just have to walk away. (Read: really single this time)
I've put myself out there a number of times in my life, opened my heart and let people in. Sometimes these people hold it gently and treasure it, sometimes they trample on it, and sometimes they really don't care whether or not they have access to it. It seems, however, that I have a knack for finding that third type - those who are apparently oblivious and couldn't give a rat's behind that I've taken down that wall - or the amount of strength and courage it took to do it.
The problem is, because I've opened my heart, I spend my time and energy trying to get these people to see that, to acknowledge it, to respond somehow. And, inevitably, I always end up hurt. I hang on for just a little too long instead of paying attention to the flashing neon signs and usually end up thinking, "what the bleep is wrong with me?? I'm so needy". Sigh.
Anywho, I finally paid attention to a couple of those signs. (Yay me) And realized in the process that sometimes these people will remain oblivious to what they have and, despite whatever positives there may be, you just have to skedaddle. This is me skedaddling.
I'm not saying that they weren't worth every second - I wouldn't change a single thing about any of the experiences or relationships that I've had. Each one has changed my world. So, to paraphrase one of my all-time favorite songs -
He was my best friend
And it broke my heart
But I don't regret the day that he became
One of those I've loved along the way
I wouldn't be the (wo)man I am today
If not for those I've loved along the way
May today you all find those who treasure your love...
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
And Just Like That...
Single Jen is back.
To be honest, single Jen has been around for a few weeks or so but I honestly dreaded having to change my "official" Facebook status and tell the world that my relationship had gone clockwise down the toilet. Why, you ask? Well, if you have to ask, then you've never been 33 and single. Well-intentioned folks start with the "I'm so sorry" and then the jolly "next time!" or the "more fish" thingy and then slowly progress to the "you should meet..." sentiments.
Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the love and support people show when something no-so-fantastic happens (like when you go all in on a losing bet) but I can't help feeling like I'm supposed to somehow be trying harder when people ask about my dating life.
The good news is that I learned a few things this time around - and since I know you're all dying to hear those, I'll share. 1. Apparently I actually CAN be in a relationship. Feel free to snicker, but I'm pretty sure there were bets going around on whether or not I could handle relationship-ness. I can. So there. 2. I know who I am. It took awhile, but I can without a doubt tell you that I know me - want I want, what I expect, who I want standing next to me, and what I'll compromise on. That's a large accomplishment in life, if I do say so myself. And finally, 3. Sometimes, they're just not that into you.
The other good news is that I now will have plenty to blog about as I delve back into the world of singlehood. Now, please excuse me while I go order my crazy-cat-lady starter kit.
May your days be filled with those who love you as you deserve...
To be honest, single Jen has been around for a few weeks or so but I honestly dreaded having to change my "official" Facebook status and tell the world that my relationship had gone clockwise down the toilet. Why, you ask? Well, if you have to ask, then you've never been 33 and single. Well-intentioned folks start with the "I'm so sorry" and then the jolly "next time!" or the "more fish" thingy and then slowly progress to the "you should meet..." sentiments.
Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the love and support people show when something no-so-fantastic happens (like when you go all in on a losing bet) but I can't help feeling like I'm supposed to somehow be trying harder when people ask about my dating life.
The good news is that I learned a few things this time around - and since I know you're all dying to hear those, I'll share. 1. Apparently I actually CAN be in a relationship. Feel free to snicker, but I'm pretty sure there were bets going around on whether or not I could handle relationship-ness. I can. So there. 2. I know who I am. It took awhile, but I can without a doubt tell you that I know me - want I want, what I expect, who I want standing next to me, and what I'll compromise on. That's a large accomplishment in life, if I do say so myself. And finally, 3. Sometimes, they're just not that into you.
The other good news is that I now will have plenty to blog about as I delve back into the world of singlehood. Now, please excuse me while I go order my crazy-cat-lady starter kit.
May your days be filled with those who love you as you deserve...
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Sabotage
So, Relationship Jen just hit her first speed bump. I think it was actually some form of Single Jen lying in the middle of commitment road. How's that for a visual?
I have this voice in my head. No, not the ones where only medication will quiet them, but ones who like to tell me that I'm not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, you name it. Sometimes that voice gets stuck on repeat and I find myself being lulled into accepting that to be true. I hit that place this past weekend. I found myself telling people not to get too excited about recent posts of a relationship because I wasn't sure things were going to work out.
I didn't realize at the time just how clearly I was sabotaging myself. It wasn't until I had a couple of conversations with a great friend (which weren't even about me) that I had the big aha moment. Instead of idly listening to the delusional voice in my head, I had to be strong enough to say what I wanted and know that I deserved it. I had to believe in myself, have some faith in me. And, after some thought, I realized I wanted Relationship Jen (and the relationship). So I had an amazing conversation with an amazing boyfriend, and suddenly the voice in my head quieted.
I'm fairly certain this stupid voice in my head will return at some point, but at least now I'm ready. Single Jen will not sabotage me again. And even if she tries, I know I have the people around me who can shut her up.
And since I know I didn't say it before, thank you to a phenomenal friend for the insight - I'm incredibly grateful to have you in my life.
I have this voice in my head. No, not the ones where only medication will quiet them, but ones who like to tell me that I'm not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, you name it. Sometimes that voice gets stuck on repeat and I find myself being lulled into accepting that to be true. I hit that place this past weekend. I found myself telling people not to get too excited about recent posts of a relationship because I wasn't sure things were going to work out.
I didn't realize at the time just how clearly I was sabotaging myself. It wasn't until I had a couple of conversations with a great friend (which weren't even about me) that I had the big aha moment. Instead of idly listening to the delusional voice in my head, I had to be strong enough to say what I wanted and know that I deserved it. I had to believe in myself, have some faith in me. And, after some thought, I realized I wanted Relationship Jen (and the relationship). So I had an amazing conversation with an amazing boyfriend, and suddenly the voice in my head quieted.
I'm fairly certain this stupid voice in my head will return at some point, but at least now I'm ready. Single Jen will not sabotage me again. And even if she tries, I know I have the people around me who can shut her up.
And since I know I didn't say it before, thank you to a phenomenal friend for the insight - I'm incredibly grateful to have you in my life.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
FBM
Ok, so if you've been paying attention you know that I'm the queen of commitment issues. I've held steadfast to singlehood, running faster than a speeding bullet away from situations in which the first signs of relationship-ness were even hinted at. I've even been known to cause fights to get out of relationshipy-type situations.
But then, if you've been paying attention, you also know that recently I decided to let my guard down and give this whole commitment thing a whirl (gasp)! It's been a few months now and just when I was starting to get comfortable with that idea I was chucked back into the deep dark place within my psyche that only knows one word - RUN.
I was called the "FBM." By him.
Now, I'm fairly certain some of you out there just started lol-ing (yes I said it) but for those of you who don't know what that means (it took me a minute), here it is:
Future. Baby. Mama.
Uh oh.
When I was actually able to stop choking on the cheeseburger I was chewing at the time, I talked myself down from the ledge and out of changing my phone number and deleting my social media accounts. I even laughed about the term (it was a joke right? Right?) and then allowed myself just the teeniest thought of what it would be like to someday be that person.
Single Jen, meet Relationship Jen. This could get interesting.
But then, if you've been paying attention, you also know that recently I decided to let my guard down and give this whole commitment thing a whirl (gasp)! It's been a few months now and just when I was starting to get comfortable with that idea I was chucked back into the deep dark place within my psyche that only knows one word - RUN.
I was called the "FBM." By him.
Now, I'm fairly certain some of you out there just started lol-ing (yes I said it) but for those of you who don't know what that means (it took me a minute), here it is:
Future. Baby. Mama.
Uh oh.
When I was actually able to stop choking on the cheeseburger I was chewing at the time, I talked myself down from the ledge and out of changing my phone number and deleting my social media accounts. I even laughed about the term (it was a joke right? Right?) and then allowed myself just the teeniest thought of what it would be like to someday be that person.
Single Jen, meet Relationship Jen. This could get interesting.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
The BIG Announcement
Do do do do!!!
Big announcement time!
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's the moment you've all been waiting (and apparently praying) for...
I am on a hiatus from being single. And before you interject, I completely realize how that sounds. But let's face facts - people don't just change overnight. That holds especially true for someone who has such intense commitment issues as myself. I've been the walking poster child for singlehood for so long that I didn't even see this hiatus coming until it backhanded me in the face. And even then, the "no way, no how, nuh uh uh"of being in a (gasp) relationship came roaring out.
Here's the story (I'll fast forward through the lovey-dovey-ooey-gooey stuff. No reason to make anyone nauseous tonight) to the moment I knew I may still be grasping on to single Jen with both hands - we were hanging out with some friends when one of them said something like, "Jen is trying for the title of his wife." I can't even begin to tell you how thankful I am that he wasn't paying attention at that exact moment because my stomach did about 410 flip flops, my eyes bulged and with a crazed look I said, "no no no no no no no no" faster than it takes to say no once.
Oops.
Now that the panic attack has simmered, I have to admit I'm actually enjoying the hiatus. Life is good - even with some unexpected bumps in the last few months. Maybe...just maybe...single Jen will calm down and start to fade. Or maybe single Jen will win the war.
We shall see.....but either way, there's no reason to buy a wedding gift just yet.
May your days be filled with those who make you happy.
Big announcement time!
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's the moment you've all been waiting (and apparently praying) for...
I am on a hiatus from being single. And before you interject, I completely realize how that sounds. But let's face facts - people don't just change overnight. That holds especially true for someone who has such intense commitment issues as myself. I've been the walking poster child for singlehood for so long that I didn't even see this hiatus coming until it backhanded me in the face. And even then, the "no way, no how, nuh uh uh"of being in a (gasp) relationship came roaring out.
Here's the story (I'll fast forward through the lovey-dovey-ooey-gooey stuff. No reason to make anyone nauseous tonight) to the moment I knew I may still be grasping on to single Jen with both hands - we were hanging out with some friends when one of them said something like, "Jen is trying for the title of his wife." I can't even begin to tell you how thankful I am that he wasn't paying attention at that exact moment because my stomach did about 410 flip flops, my eyes bulged and with a crazed look I said, "no no no no no no no no" faster than it takes to say no once.
Oops.
Now that the panic attack has simmered, I have to admit I'm actually enjoying the hiatus. Life is good - even with some unexpected bumps in the last few months. Maybe...just maybe...single Jen will calm down and start to fade. Or maybe single Jen will win the war.
We shall see.....but either way, there's no reason to buy a wedding gift just yet.
May your days be filled with those who make you happy.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
The Attack of the Not-So-Peppy Jen
Please don't call me peppy, energetic or positive.
Not today.
It's funny how labels become so much a part of who we are that we spend our days trying to live up to them. I recently received a group card and almost everyone who signed it referred, in some way, to my positive outlook and incredibly high energy level.
So it's confession time - I'm not always peppy (it's true, I promise). Apparently, though, I'm great at faking it (insert your favorite joke here). But in all seriousness, sometimes it can be really tiring to spend your days living up to the label of perky, peppy and positive.
Take today for example - by the time I hit my couch this afternoon I was beat. I've been sick and emotionally whiplashed, but I had a phone call to make. As I ended the conversation with my father he said, "but it sounds like you're doing ok." Score one for the pretend-to-be-peppy Jen.
Labels are our own creations and then ironically become self-fulfilling prophecies. We spend so much time and effort trying to be the person we think other people want us to be, not the perfectly imperfect selves we truly are. Labels are everywhere, and it's almost impossible to get rid of them. But it's important that we find the people in our lives who allow us to be label-free (or at least let us shed it for a little while). People who dig deeper, see more than the one-dimensional and give you the freedom to do the same. Today I was grateful for those people.
So if you'll excuse me, not-so-peppy Jen needs to go find someone to yell at. Just so you know, though, I'll be back to being peppy first thing tomorrow morning.
Not today.
It's funny how labels become so much a part of who we are that we spend our days trying to live up to them. I recently received a group card and almost everyone who signed it referred, in some way, to my positive outlook and incredibly high energy level.
So it's confession time - I'm not always peppy (it's true, I promise). Apparently, though, I'm great at faking it (insert your favorite joke here). But in all seriousness, sometimes it can be really tiring to spend your days living up to the label of perky, peppy and positive.
Take today for example - by the time I hit my couch this afternoon I was beat. I've been sick and emotionally whiplashed, but I had a phone call to make. As I ended the conversation with my father he said, "but it sounds like you're doing ok." Score one for the pretend-to-be-peppy Jen.
Labels are our own creations and then ironically become self-fulfilling prophecies. We spend so much time and effort trying to be the person we think other people want us to be, not the perfectly imperfect selves we truly are. Labels are everywhere, and it's almost impossible to get rid of them. But it's important that we find the people in our lives who allow us to be label-free (or at least let us shed it for a little while). People who dig deeper, see more than the one-dimensional and give you the freedom to do the same. Today I was grateful for those people.
So if you'll excuse me, not-so-peppy Jen needs to go find someone to yell at. Just so you know, though, I'll be back to being peppy first thing tomorrow morning.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Round Two
I think I just quit dating.
In case I haven't said this before, I'm obsessive about punctuality. If you tell me something starts at 5, chances are I'm going to be there at least 10 minutes before 5. I'll be hanging out in my car, but I'll be there. You know that if I start a blog off with this particular tidbit, the rest is not going to be pretty. Without further ado, I present the story of Random Guy #2. I know you've been waiting.
This date was doomed from the start. Random Guy #2 said "meet me at the restaurant at 7." Random Guy #2 showed up at 7:30. I was actually in the process of cashing out my bar tab to head home when he comes waltzing in. Seriously, waltzing. Like he had no cares in the world. That should have been the giant neon sign flashing RUN, but...I suddenly realized I was still hungry and if I had to go through the motions of getting ready and sitting at a bar by myself for 30 minutes, then I should at least get a free meal. So, I stayed.
Bad idea.
Halfway through dinner I found myself sitting in the middle of a Letterman Top Ten skit - the "Top Ten Reasons Why You Should Be Über Grateful I Even Showed Up And Am Sitting Across The Table From You, Even If I Was 30 Minutes Late" skit. I think I stopped listening at reason #4 and started creating my grocery list (in my mind of course - I'm not rude enough to pull out a notepad and pen to write things down, although I'm not sure he would have even noticed). THEN I started thinking about all of the things I could have been doing at home, which was yet another bad idea because all I wanted to do then was go home and start the list. (FYI, you know you're getting older when people are talking and all you're thinking about is laundry and dishes) THEN I started trying to figure out ways to pull out my phone and strategically place it under the table so I could at least do something more productive than listen to how wonderful my date was...like update my Facebook status.
Dinner's finally over and I couldn't get out of there any faster (yes, even without dessert). I honestly believe Random Guy #2 owes me 124.6 minutes of my life back, and the meal we had was nowhere near adequate compensation. I briefly considered naming him in this blog as a way to partially recoup my losses, but then the nicer part of me kicked in - plus, who wants to give a narcissist more free press? Either way, I think I may be over this whole dinner date theory.
And Random Guys.
In case I haven't said this before, I'm obsessive about punctuality. If you tell me something starts at 5, chances are I'm going to be there at least 10 minutes before 5. I'll be hanging out in my car, but I'll be there. You know that if I start a blog off with this particular tidbit, the rest is not going to be pretty. Without further ado, I present the story of Random Guy #2. I know you've been waiting.
This date was doomed from the start. Random Guy #2 said "meet me at the restaurant at 7." Random Guy #2 showed up at 7:30. I was actually in the process of cashing out my bar tab to head home when he comes waltzing in. Seriously, waltzing. Like he had no cares in the world. That should have been the giant neon sign flashing RUN, but...I suddenly realized I was still hungry and if I had to go through the motions of getting ready and sitting at a bar by myself for 30 minutes, then I should at least get a free meal. So, I stayed.
Bad idea.
Halfway through dinner I found myself sitting in the middle of a Letterman Top Ten skit - the "Top Ten Reasons Why You Should Be Über Grateful I Even Showed Up And Am Sitting Across The Table From You, Even If I Was 30 Minutes Late" skit. I think I stopped listening at reason #4 and started creating my grocery list (in my mind of course - I'm not rude enough to pull out a notepad and pen to write things down, although I'm not sure he would have even noticed). THEN I started thinking about all of the things I could have been doing at home, which was yet another bad idea because all I wanted to do then was go home and start the list. (FYI, you know you're getting older when people are talking and all you're thinking about is laundry and dishes) THEN I started trying to figure out ways to pull out my phone and strategically place it under the table so I could at least do something more productive than listen to how wonderful my date was...like update my Facebook status.
Dinner's finally over and I couldn't get out of there any faster (yes, even without dessert). I honestly believe Random Guy #2 owes me 124.6 minutes of my life back, and the meal we had was nowhere near adequate compensation. I briefly considered naming him in this blog as a way to partially recoup my losses, but then the nicer part of me kicked in - plus, who wants to give a narcissist more free press? Either way, I think I may be over this whole dinner date theory.
And Random Guys.
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