Sabotage

So, Relationship Jen just hit her first speed bump. I think it was actually some form of Single Jen lying in the middle of commitment road. How's that for a visual?

I have this voice in my head. No, not the ones where only medication will quiet them, but ones who like to tell me that I'm not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, you name it. Sometimes that voice gets stuck on repeat and I find myself being lulled into accepting that to be true. I hit that place this past weekend. I found myself telling people not to get too excited about recent posts of a relationship because I wasn't sure things were going to work out.

I didn't realize at the time just how clearly I was sabotaging myself. It wasn't until I had a couple of conversations with a great friend (which weren't even about me) that I had the big aha moment. Instead of idly listening to the delusional voice in my head, I had to be strong enough to say what I wanted and know that I deserved it. I had to believe in myself, have some faith in me. And, after some thought, I realized I wanted Relationship Jen (and the relationship). So I had an amazing conversation with an amazing boyfriend, and suddenly the voice in my head quieted.

I'm fairly certain this stupid voice in my head will return at some point, but at least now I'm ready. Single Jen will not sabotage me again. And even if she tries, I know I have the people around me who can shut her up.

And since I know I didn't say it before, thank you to a phenomenal friend for the insight - I'm incredibly grateful to have you in my life.

FBM

Ok, so if you've been paying attention you know that I'm the queen of commitment issues. I've held steadfast to singlehood, running faster than a speeding bullet away from situations in which the first signs of relationship-ness were even hinted at. I've even been known to cause fights to get out of relationshipy-type situations.

But then, if you've been paying attention, you also know that recently I decided to let my guard down and give this whole commitment thing a whirl (gasp)! It's been a few months now and just when I was starting to get comfortable with that idea I was chucked back into the deep dark place within my psyche that only knows one word - RUN.

I was called the "FBM." By him.

Now, I'm fairly certain some of you out there just started lol-ing (yes I said it) but for those of you who don't know what that means (it took me a minute), here it is:

Future. Baby. Mama.

Uh oh.

When I was actually able to stop choking on the cheeseburger I was chewing at the time, I talked myself down from the ledge and out of changing my phone number and deleting my social media accounts. I even laughed about the term (it was a joke right? Right?) and then allowed myself just the teeniest thought of what it would be like to someday be that person.

Single Jen, meet Relationship Jen. This could get interesting.

The BIG Announcement

Do do do do!!!

Big announcement time!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's the moment you've all been waiting (and apparently praying) for...

I am on a hiatus from being single. And before you interject, I completely realize how that sounds. But let's face facts - people don't just change overnight. That holds especially true for someone who has such intense commitment issues as myself. I've been the walking poster child for singlehood for so long that I didn't even see this hiatus coming until it backhanded me in the face. And even then, the "no way, no how, nuh uh uh"of being in a (gasp) relationship came roaring out.

Here's the story (I'll fast forward through the lovey-dovey-ooey-gooey stuff. No reason to make anyone nauseous tonight) to the moment I knew I may still be grasping on to single Jen with both hands - we were hanging out with some friends when one of them said something like, "Jen is trying for the title of his wife." I can't even begin to tell you how thankful I am that he wasn't paying attention at that exact moment because my stomach did about 410 flip flops, my eyes bulged and with a crazed look I said, "no no no no no no no no" faster than it takes to say no once.

Oops.

Now that the panic attack has simmered, I have to admit I'm actually enjoying the hiatus. Life is good - even with some unexpected bumps in the last few months. Maybe...just maybe...single Jen will calm down and start to fade. Or maybe single Jen will win the war.

We shall see.....but either way, there's no reason to buy a wedding gift just yet.

May your days be filled with those who make you happy.